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Accidents happen: Ibro in 2003
By
What is it with these northerners? They cannot tell me that the north was so naïve not to know that any president irrespective of where he comes from, who runs Nigeria for the next 50 years, would be like a child with a hammer. The amount of havoc this child could wreck would definitely determine how long you leave it with him. Don’t also forget that the child could accidentally hurt himself. This happened to a childhood friend of mine and he lost an eye in the process. Everyone should stop blaming the president for doing nothing. It is when the president does something, that he becomes unpredictable and dangerous. I do appreciate that it is natural to feel discouraged by all that is going on, but my advice to all and sundry is to look at Nigerian politics with amusement and maybe become amazed once in a while if the government gets anything right. Also, could somebody bring it to the attention of Mallam Wada Nas that as an honorary Fulbe, I take offence against being referred to as a Jew, especially in the Northern Nigerian context. Not, because I have something against Jews, but as a Muslim, he should henceforth refer to us as Palestinians or Northern Palestinians. It is not true, and do not quote me concerning the recent visit paid by one military colleague to the other. Though, bear in mind that Minna is closer to Abuja than Owu. Everybody now knows that it is not a very clever idea to visit Aso Rock these days, primarily because nobody has a clue as to the number of video recorders in play, and where they are hidden within Aso. The rumor making the rounds is that Ibro went to dobale. Yes, he knelt down for so long and refused to stand up until Aremu agreed to hold his fire. His sokoto was thoroughly stained around the knees with fowl dung. He came off with the promise to sacrifice NaAbba and back Aremu for the second term with 2.5bn naira. Don’t forget, there is basically no difference between a million and a billion apart from a single alphabet, and self preservation is an essential ingredient of politics. He made one mistake though, his activities and the whole exchange where recorded. Cunny man die, cunny man bury am. Rumors, just rumors. It cannot possibly be true! What, with the Oputa farce, sudden publication of the list of world’s richest men, Gani’s theatrics and Dele Giwa’s amateurish murder. Who trained those men? Juvenile show offs. You want to kill someone in Lagos, you waylay and shoot him - armed robbery. In the north you poison him or arrange an accident – act of God. Does anybody remember the death of Mr. Dare, the Deputy Commissioner of Police who was investigating the Giwa murder? He died in a car accident in which the accident vehicle has not been produced till date? Political Assassination 101. When you take off somebody with a bang, do not expect to sleep with both eyes closed. Ibro contesting the next elections? Sure. It would happen. Do you think Ibro does not want what we all want? To die in our beds with our heads nestled by pillows stuffed full of German Deutschmarks. If Aremu maintains the agreement that nothing would touch Ibro, then he would be stupid to run wont he? And, we all know Ibro is not stupid. All he has to do to survive, is to make sure that for the next twenty years, whosoever occupies the top seat is beholden to, and would not move against him. Which is rather simple to do. Why go up against the power of incumbency? Too risky. Leave him be o jare! I disagree with the statement credited to Aremu that Nigeria is difficult to govern. One thing I have noticed in Nigeria, is that no matter whom we elect, or who usurps power, he is just as bad as the person he replaced. We have the singular misfortune of being a rich country and our rulers believe that the country is very difficult to rule. Nigerian politics is easy. All that needs to be done is for the PDP [that is, the party in power if you were wondering] to appoint trusted men into the Appropriation Committee, to find the ways and means to divide up the spoils to every body’s satisfaction. Who does not know that our legislative houses are filled with some of the best body of men and women that money could buy. Handling the mundane disagreement between the Assembly and the Presidency is very simple. If the president wants to go right, all he has to do is send a Bill to the House stating that he intends to go left. The House would of course refuse and pass a Bill asking the president to go right, which was what he wanted in the first place. The only difficulty our rulers face is how to compensate themselves for their effort. Thus, they have to decide their salaries and perks as they see fit since Nigerians are getting harder to displease. Which is not a very bad problem to have. I believe if the president, his ministers and members of the National Assembly were not in Abuja chewing suya, they would be back in their villages fomenting trouble for the rest of us, which could even be worse. So, we should count our blessings. Remember that my childhood friend who lost an eye? I ran into him recently when I visited Nigeria, and I asked him how things were going. He told me that things were half bad because he only gets to see half the things that happen in Nigeria anyway. He did not sound bitter and accepted the fact that, it is we the people that rig in men lacking in substance and savvy. Therefore, we have to live with it. I asked him how many laws have been passed two years into the 5th Republic? He exclaimed ‘what do you expect from a bunch of jokers? Nothing of course, except that anytime any one of them cracks a joke it could become a law and anytime a law is passed it would become a joke. That is why we should just forget about this Anti Corruption Law. Instead, an economic equivalent of the Oputa Panel should be set up. Call all our billionaires, millionaires and interested citizenry to appear, confess or whatever, make statements and then make up by letting us have 50% of whatever they have, across the board. Maybe, the crass seizure of money and properties carried out by the Murtala/Obasanjo regime would be laid to rest and Nigerians of all walks of life would not be scared enough to transfer their [our] assets abroad for fear of seizure’. I didn’t argue with him. Don’t forget he only sees the world from a halved perspective. My attention has been drawn to the Clitoral Discourse going on, concerning the merits and demerits of House Bill 22 as sponsored in the House of Representatives. I want to categorically state my neutrality, not because I regard this bill as a joke nor because I am afraid to take a stand, but until someone shows me the difference between the prepuce and the fossa of the female … you know what, I am not getting involved, and please a drawing would not suffice. All I could recall from my own personal experience is that, as a baby, I was taken to one of those local surgeons to be circumcised, and as the story goes, I lost so much blood as to thoroughly soak a female gown. Now, we know Calabar women are pleasantly plumb, which gives you an idea of the size of the said gown., shows you how close to death I was. Finally, I was taken to the general hospital, where the bleeding was stemmed but not without tale tell scars. Lets just say, I lean a bit towards the left. It gets so bad that if my wife picks up a knife in the kitchen, I move into the basement and find something else to do until she finishes. Accidents happen. Circumcision or mutilation? Its just a question of semantics. It would not surprise me though, if Ibro is a closet sponsor of the bill. It is just the kind of mischief he could get up to. Call me neurotic. Ibro in 2003? Now, that would be a cruel accident of fate.
The writer is a New York based cabbie.
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