Calabar: Of ghosts and tourist distractions (2)

By

Orok Edem

Calabar Of ghosts and tourist distractions 1

Lost and found ghosts, they came out of the woodwork. Handsome ghosts, bold ghosts, serious ghosts, but no female ghosts. When I got worried and asked one ghost how come that they were no female ghosts, he chuckled, and told me that fifty percent of all the beautiful women I saw in Calabar where ghosts. I shivered. I remembered a story my grandmother told me. That, but for Calabar women there would not have been a Biafran war! How? Ojukwu once joined the Civil Service and got posted to Calabar. His father refused and rejected the posting because, the Calabar woman would ensnare and capture Ojukwu. Out of frustration, Ikemba went and joined the Army, and the rest is now history. You can quote me on that. And, someone, okay, a ghost is telling me that fifty percent of the women I see in Calabar are ghosts. No wonder they look so beautiful. Ghosts, but tourists distractions.

I wanted to move on. Wake up from my nightmare. But O’Neill drove by and stopped. Without any fanfare he started on me. "Young man, you have to put a stop to this nonsense. Can you imagine Clement Ebri having a street named after him and I have none, and Ebri is still living" Ghosts, they put you into trouble. How do I explain to this Irishman, that today, Ebri has clout, and I do not. How do I tell him, that I have asked them to ask for an Ogoja State, but they would not. How? Ghosts, what do they care?

Who the hell do these ghosts think they are, or I am? Asking me to go and see the governor, as if the governor would give me the time of day. I decided, I had to go and complain to Efefiong Spatts. So I took a drive to Ambo Road. On my way there, I saw a group of teachers gathered at Edgerley School. Nya Eniang, Ekpenyong, Kadanga, Crispin, Agbachom, Holmes etc. Teachers. Still looking dignified. I asked them what they were up to? Nya Eniang answered "they were walking up to the governors lodge to see the governor". I didn’t ask them what for. These ghosts, former teachers, could still wield a mean whip, and I wasn’t going to stand around and get disciplined by them. So I took off. Mr. Spatts was waiting for me at the Mbukpa market. He said, he thought I would not know his house anymore. I shook my head. He told me he had a message for the governor. I asked him what was ailing him? He said, he gets lost in Calabar, and, after all what he had done for the State, there is no street named after him. I promised to take it up with the governor, what was I supposed to tell a ghost?

I zoomed off through AdahaUko Street, threw a wink at Akamba de Boy, entered Inyang Street. I hope, that is still the name, and moved on to Mayne Avenue. The road seemed clear of ghosts, and I was thankful. Maybe my ordeal was over.

Listen. To whom it may concern, any ghost who has a grouse with the governor should take it up himself. I am not going to get my self in trouble, trying to explain to the governor that ghosts sent me to complain to him.

I saw Etetim Garrick, but I don’t want to talk about him. Suddenly, the road darkened, and I had to stop. Trial and temptation? Not to worry, it was only Attah Omunu passing by with his entourage. Now, I have seen it all. I drove through Big Qua and ended up at the Metropolitan Hotel Bar. Where else would you end up after an encounter with ghosts? I stood at the bar, and I was not convinced. No wonder ghosts are complaining. How could the government claim they had spent so much money in refurbishing the hotel without even throwing a coat of paint on the bar? Don’t they know the bar is the soul of a hotel, it is the bar that gives a hotel character, take away the bar and you have rooming houses. Maybe, these ghosts were right after all. There must be something in their complaint. I was determined to go see the governor. What to do?

I got out of the Hotel and headed towards the governors lodge. Just by the stadium, whom do I meet? The ghost of Francis Bassey. Who was Francis Bassey? I will tell you later, but let us hear his complaint. I knew he had a message for the governor, and I was not disappointed. He said he was not happy the Calabar Stadium was named after Esuene. There we go again. He said if the government wanted to name something after Esuene, it should have been the Calabar – Itu bridge. I knew he had a point and I told him, I am on my way to see the governor, and would surely take it up with him. I almost forgot. Francis Bassey was the captain of the Calabar X1, that won the Challenge Cup in 1953.

Ghosts, what wont they complain of? They say, if they buy things, the traders refuse to return their change. As if the change of ten or twenty naira is now non returnable. If that does not bug them, it is the motorcycle taxi. I sighed, and continued on my journey. The road to the governors lodge through the old European Club was blocked. I heard, it is now named after Prof. Ekpo Eyo. I had to reverse and use Garden Street. I was whistling the Nigerian Army theme song. Right at the top of Garden Street, you can see Old Calabar in all its past glory. I had a tear in my eye. Bury me in Calabar when I die……

All I had to do, was drive down Garden Street, swing into Edem Street, go through the Marina, up Moor Road, into the governors lodge. Right? Then he appeared. Black Davies, in his finest accoutrements, I think. Without even asking, I knew he wanted me to talk to the governor. He started scolding me. He said, he heard I was in town and had passed by without saying hello. I kept quiet. There are ghosts and there are ghosts. Some do like dialogue, but Black Davies seemed angry. Before he could start, I asked him to join me, to go see the governor. He retorted. "The road to the governors lodge is blocked". I told him I was going to swing round the Finn beach, and come up on Moor Road. He shook his head admonishing me. " My son, even before Duke’s grandfather was born, I used to pass through Tete Street and walk up Moor Road. There is no way in hell I am going to go through Marina to see the governor". I asked him what was wrong with Marina Road? He answered: "Motorcycle taxis?" I asked, what was wrong with the taxis? He told me. "Don’t you see all of them growing hairs on their foreheads, and riding around as if there is no tomorrow" I told him it would not affect our journey, but he told me that they disturb his spirit. Then I asked him why does he not use Tete Street to reach the governor’s lodge? He told me the street has been blocked. "That there is a Coastal Restaurant owned by the governor’s cousin that has been built smack in the middle of a legitimate road outlet". He then got visibly agitated. He said "it is bad enough that the Navy has sealed up another inlet into Calabar through the Marina, now the governor seals up Tete Street, thereby denying the Efiks, the chance of benefiting from the highest employer of labour around their community". Then wait for this, "he the governor is even thinking of moving the Watt Market from his present location". I told him to calm down, that I believe the governor is a responsible boy, he just has bad advisers. He hissed. I asked him again if he was coming along to see the governor. He said: "No!" He suggested that we should go up to the Old Magistrate Court and salute the Gods, after that he would join Ededem Archibong for a drink. I went with him. Did I have a choice?

Around the old Magistrate Court, I saw Chief Eyamba - still whining about his iron house, which the Efiks got drunk one day and broke down. I saw Austin Bay, Ita Eyo Ndem, Itaka, Ufe Dibo Ekomo Nyamkpe, Isang Eyen Obong, Akirikpo, Esit Ikot Inyeneke Nsia, all hanging out near Coco Bassey Street. We said hello to each other, they hinted my time was near, but so what? I left them, and almost ran into a motorcycle taxi. Black Davies was right! The cyclist had hair growing on his forehead, and was riding crazily up Eyamba Street. Why do men have hair on their forehead? Now, that got me thinking. Then it dawned on me. These motorcycle taxis carry about three passengers on their back seat. Their back seat is tilted forward, and when they carry Calabar women, with their bounteous endowment, the motorcycle rider has his waist gripped tightly by his passenger’s thighs, with the full effect of her breast pressing on his back. If the woman wants to move backwards. The motorcycle operator applies his breaks, which then moves the passenger closer to him. This continuous sexual stimulation during a days’ job creates a massive production of testosterone, which is responsible for the excess hair growth, and frequent moments of rage that these motorcyclist experience. I promised, I would run this through my doctor. But that was the only explanation I could think of. No wonder Black Davies is fuming. I envy motorcycle taxi operators in Calabar. I think I would also complain about them to the governor.

That message resonated again in my ear, I thought I had shaken off Ukpabio, not knowing that the son had been watching my movements. I asked him what he wanted. He said, he was sent by Ayiribo Okposi, asua akak obup ama, the Eyamba 1X, to come for a tete a tete. I knew something was up. What does Ayiribo want with me? I told Junior Ukpabio that, when Amasi, asks, I cannot refuse, and if it would stop me from seeing ghosts, then I would be there.

Ukpabio asked me if I knew where to meet Ayiribo. I chuckled. Ami akani eyen owon. I asked around for the direction to my native doctor, Ofon Enyin Usung. Someone told me that he was dead. Surprise, surprise, I didn’t know that native doctors also die. I have always thought they kept on living until they drop dead, which is different from dying. So I started driving home, but they road split into two, so I came out of the car and started walking backwards. Ghosts, they drive you to do strange things, and as I was nearing home, I stumbled into Duke’s, the Place. I avoided the bar because there was a loud noise coming from there. One young girl, Nene directed me to the restaurant. I walked up the stairs, and I knew right away I had come for judgment.

If you have never been to Calabar, and if you ever get to Calabar, do not forget to get to Duke’s. It is off MCC Road, with a tacky glittering sign directing you to the spot. On reaching there, you would see a pseudo attempt to recreate Americana, but don’t be discouraged. Find the restaurant. I did. I walked up the stairs and was greeted by a sign VIP’s room, named after who else? Mary Slessor! What makes these clowns think MS would want to associate her name with modern day VIPs? I thought, I was coming to judgment but these. I ignored it, and entered the restaurant. They had our traditional mat, mbri on the floor, but had forgotten how to shake out the sand every morning. They sat me down. Don’t ask me who. Let me just say Magnus Duke, was there. Ete Mbakara, Ededem Archibong, EEO, Richard Henshaw, the Itiaba himself, Goldie, Dean, Clapperton, Cruickshank, and lo, and behold, Boy Duke, nattily dressed in all his glory. I went and sat under the gaze of Ayiribo, etie ekpat okpoho. Who else would I trust to sit in judgment over me?

I asked them, if it was my time to return? Ayiribo said No! But he does not like what is happening in Akpabuyo and Duke Town. That we now have people coming from Ikot Edem Odo, who are not from Edem Street.  The seizure of his lands, the taking over of the place. He was furious. I tried to bring the governor in. No chance. He said, the governor grew up in the bushy swamps of Lagos, what does he know? I kept quiet. He warned me. That, Watt Market has a special meaning to the Efiks. He even assured me, that I cannot be taken unless all those who have marched over its soil, that is, the market’s ground, sit in judgment and agree. How then would I accept the market being moved? Why can’t they take their civilization somewhere else? Now, I was beginning to dislike the governor. Look at me thinking, I would inherit something from Ayiribo and the governor was messing it up. I offered again to return, if it would pacify Ayiribo. He retorted: "Fat chance. Go and warn…. No, advise the governor. If he touches Watt Market, he would be touched". I didn’t argue. The others were just sitting down, looking at me and nodding as if they were telling Ayiribo to resolve his problem.

I went, put my hands on the drum, to acknowledge the message and sound same to those who have ears. I am only the messenger. I ordered Edesi isip, (Coconut rice) and Nene brought it for me. I started eating.

What can I tell you? Calabar: Too many ghosts, very few people. Yet, it was just an innocuous day in Calabar, but ghosts were having a ball.

Jan 2003