Calling Aig Imoukhuede

By

Orok Edem

"Hello can you hear me?"

"Yes, whom do you want to speak to…."

"Hello can you hear me? Is that Mrs. Imoukhuede, is the Chief in?"

"There is no Chief in this house."

"That is strange, but is that Mr. Imoukhuede’s residence?"

"Yes, and he is resting, do you want to leave a message?"

"Tell him that Orok called from New York"

(……Whispers in the background…..)

"Orok….wait he is waking up, honey, somebody on the phone for you."

"Hello….."

"Yes, How can I help you?"

"Sir, I obtained your phone number from Prof. Ekeh, he said you are the man who could help me with my problems."

"What sort of problems.. Orok…are you the son of that Orok who worked at the Coastal Agency?"

"No sir, actually my father has never been to Lagos. To be honest, you would not find me amongst the Fani Kayodes, Shagaris, Soyinkas, Awolowos, Imam, Adesanyas etc. This is the reason I am trying to balance the equation."

"How do you intend to go about this, and what do I have to do with it?"

"Sir, it is a bit delicate, and I don’t know how to start."

"Go ahead young man, where are you calling from?"

"New York, sir."

"Well, what is the problem?"

"Sir, I need a sponsor."

"Orok, do you intend to change your name to Imoukhuede, and even when you do, what makes you think I have friends in high places?"

"Ehm….it is not like that, it is something to do with picking flowers in someone’s yard…"

"Oh…that kind of problem."

"Who is the lucky lass?"

"Sir…ehmmm I want to marry the president’s daughter."

"Who? The president of the Yoruba Tennis Club?"

"No sir, I mean Baba’s daughter."

"Baba…do you mean Akande at the Rotary?"

"No sir … I mean Baba at Aso Rock?"

"Hello are you there?"

"Yes, come again ..you mean, you want to marry Obasanjo’s daughter, and you want me to act as your sponsor….well, young man let me grab a seat and sit down."

"Hello sir, are you still there?"

"Yes my son, I also grabbed a glass of water. But, what makes you think I am the man for the job, I do not know this man you call Baba, personally that is, and even if I do, I do not go to Aso Rock, I am afraid I will not be able to help you. Anyway, why do you want to marry the president’s daughter?"

"Sir, with the way things are going back home, and you know that signs of affluence opens all doors. When I marry the president’s daughter, I would be known as Obasanjo’s son in law. My children would be known as Obasanjo’s grandchildren. In fact, my state governor would not hesitate to make me a commissioner. Bank managers would be falling over themselves to give me loans."

"Orok. Calm down for a minute, whom did you say gave you my phone number again? Yes, Ekeh, that old so and so. Tell me a little about yourself. Do you have money?"

"Not really sir, but I have potential."

"Ha ha ha ha haaaa young man, do you really expect me to travel to Owu, to offer potential?"

"But sir, I heard you are not really living in Lagos but in Ogun State, which is now called outer Lagos. You would really be going for a country drive."

"I see you have been well informed, but in these days when a very thin line separates cops and robbers, a country drive might be a one way ticket to cemetery road. But nonetheless, which of the president’s daughter do you intend to marry?"

"Ah, any one, sir, even if she is a divorcee, if necessary, we can rig a divorce. We go to Justices Egbo or Ade Alabi and they would grant it. In fact, I had a crush on Iyabo, but she got married before I knew it. So lets say, I almost….."

"Young man, but for the fact that this is a long distance call, I would have thought this is a hoax, but have you really thought this out? You know what would happen when they have those owambe parties at Abeokuta, you would be asked to pour drinks for the guests."

"I am ready sir, so far as people would know that I am Obasanjo’s son in law. Also, consider all the people who would flock to me to get close to the president. Any of the daughters would do even if she has one leg."

"Look why don’t I introduce you to a nice Delta girl, who will make ukodo for you."

"Sir, the situation is beyond ukodo, and if I could make a suggestion, to show you how large hearted I am, give her to Reverend Chris Okotie."

"Look, I know decent families all over Delta, Okonjo, has beautiful daughters, single and…"

"No Sir, I don’t want them…they tell lies in their family."

"What do you mean, do you know them that well?"

"Not really, but Ngozi said recently that she had at no time resigned."

"But, that is a responsible world bank official, they do not lie."

"If you say so, but Prof. Jerry Gana also said she did not resign, and if Jerry Gana said it did not happen, you could take it to the bank that it did."

"Yes my son, I see your point, but coming to this Baba’s daughter. This is a bit delicate and intriguing, I need to shake some trees and see what would drop, but once again, young man, this your idea is a bit far fetched. I do not know if I could do it."

"We have done our home work sir, and you came highly recommended. We went through a list of who is who in Nigeria, but it came back to you. Somebody wagered if there is any man alive who could pull this off, it is you. It was a toss up between you and Uncle Kola Animashaun, and you won hands down."

"How many of you are in on this?"

"A couple of people, my grass root supporters, call us committee of friends…and we have already agreed to make you the godfather, when things work out."

"I see, what if I fail, what about logistics, what if I happen to stumble across the daughter of that one that contested against him, there is a lot of ifs here, but…"

"We have faith in you. I would start printing the cards…. Obasanjo’s son in law marries the daughter of Obasanjo. It would be called the ‘Nigerian success story’, and please Mr. Imoukhuede, don’t leave your house on September the 28^th, Nigeria is launching her first satellite, who knows what part could break loose from a tokunbo satellite.

Hello…hello…….can you hear me…..

August 2003