Kpriambulu (Preamble):

Army Arrangement. By Fela Anikulapo-Kuti

On the balance of probability, most Nigerians have had to contend with the twin dilemmas of the demands of political correctness and enlightened self-preservation, given their rulers’ proclivity for extracting blind obedience from them, right from the early days of Colonel (Lord) Luggard, when he "re-engineered" the administrative machinery of Her Britannic Majesty’s colonial possessions in British West Africa, to present day Nigeria under General (Chief) Obasanjo. In the process, a vicious circle has emerged.

Nigeria is a unique culture space with deep-rooted characteristics. On the one hand, the citizens have a curious addiction for unrestrained official sycophancy, instant doublespeak, influence laundering, mindless ego-massaging, fair-weatherism, valueless allegiance, crass opportunism, group cynicism, and general faithless-ness in their country. On the other hand, Nigeria’s rulers, both European colonial and indigenous colonial, have always remained irredeemably steeped in Mobutuoid arrogance, Mugabesque megalomania, gross financial recklessness, frequent and shameless resort to executive blackmail, arm-twisting and bloody-mindedness, at minimum provocation.

The pathological lure of Nigerian rulers towards self-immortalisation, including their complete disregard for accountability and their aversion for transparency while in office, are both amazing and amusing at the same time. For over 85 years now, the dynamics of interaction between the rulers and the ruled in Nigeria has been precarious at times, tenuous in others, and "cats-and-dogs"ish, most of the times. The cumulative impact of this protracted state of general anomie, since 1914, is the root cause of the present state of social, political and economic dysfunction in our country, with the resultant trauma that appears to have been intimately wired into the Nigerian nervous system.

For a start, classical legend has it that one Colonel (Lord) Fredrick Luggard, a regular combatant officer of the Royal Army, who was earlier on routine military assignment in Uganda, was redeployed subsequently as Nigeria’s founding military Governor-General. One day, while basking in the euphoria of the embrace of his "imported" Anglo-Saxon chickito, First Lady Flora, he had the divine brainwave to find a befitting name for his niche of the British Empire. His piece of the imperial cake. Flora came with the name, Nigeria, despite the fact that the terrain traversed by the River Niger spanned all the way from the Futa Jalon Mountains in Sierra Leone, via Guinea, via Mali, through Timbuktu, via Niger Republic, before the country whose name she coined from the phrase, Niger area. Very brilliant!

One wonders:

And so, today, by the messianic genius of Lord (Colonel) and First Lady (Mrs.) Luggard, we are stuck with that name, including the direct and indirect repercussions of its un-serious conceptualisation, and the modus operandi of our governance, ever since Lord (Col.) Fredrick Luggard, with the creative assistance of First Lady (Mrs.) Flora Luggard, unilaterally amalgamated some African native land masses in one fell sweep, the morning after their end-of-year owambe, on the 1^st of January, 1914. Subsequently, the lucky natives of the following British Crown possessions became the first Nigerians:

Earlier, in the middle of the 19^th century, the British had a friendly encounter with the Oba of Eko. Thanks to the jolly old Royal Navy’s expertise in gun-boat diplomacy, the Oba of Eko lost his domain thereafter! And so, Oba Dosumu became ex-King Docemo. Eko officially became Lagos Colony. And with the natives pacified, civilised and rid of ignorance, superstition, malaria and paganism, and their leaders duly "settled", every body was happy! Former Eko even had the rare privilege of sharing names with a provincial village in South Western Portugal. How gracious!

For the records, the Colony of Lagos was, at various times, administered from Freetown and Accra, in the nearby sister British Colonies of Gold Coast and Sierra Leone, while the Northern and Southern Protectorates were administered from the Colonial Office, far away in London, under the direct supervision, command and control of their respective British Military Governors. Lucky Lagosians!

Army Arrangement. By Fela Anikulapo-Kuti

Meanwhile, the administrative headquarters of the Protectorate of Southern Nigeria got relocated every now and then, from its original Consulate at Degema, earlier in the Protectorate’s pre-history, to the then Asaba corporate headquarters buildings of the Royal Niger Company (the precursor to today’s UAC of Nigeria, erstwhile employers of the Chairman of an ad-hoc committee that was decreed in to existence in 1993 by the special grace of the then General (President) Babangida, while he was away in Minna on a working leave), and later on, to Calabar. The need and timing of those relocation exercises were essentially based on the whim and wisdom of Her Britannic Majesty’s Resident Commissioners and Governors, each and every one of whom were senior officers of the Royal Armed Forces.

The Protectorate of Northern Nigeria was an amalgam of later-day Kanem Bornu Empire, the Sokoto Sultanate, the original Hausa City States (including their "banza" equivalents), and a myriad of other ethnic entities located within the geographic doodle, then commonly referred to as the Western Sudan. Its administrative headquarters changed locations from the corporate buildings and warehouses of the Royal Niger Company at Lokoja, to a more befitting residence in Zungeru, then, to Kaduna, at the convenience of the benevolent Military Governor-General, Sir, later, Lord (Colonel) Luggard; GCBE.

Army Arrangement. By Fela Anikulapo-Kuti

Prior to his posting to Nigeria, Fredrick Luggard was a Captain. He was also the Quartermaster of a detachment of Her Majesty’s colonial army in Uganda. Rumour has it that the then Captain F. Luggard nearly got himself "set up" and messed up by a local court martial that had the audacity to insinuate his culpability in fraud, embezzlement and various other acts of mismanagement of the inventory of supplies under his care. However, after due deliberations and considerations by the powers that were, the Colonial Office in the UK very magnanimously granted Captain F. Luggard a "state pardon", redeployed him to the Protectorate of Northern Nigeria, accelerated his promotions to the rank of Colonel, and, in quick succession, conferred him with both knighthood and peerage, in recognition of his patriotism. Wow!! Incidentally, one Lord Harcourt was then the Secretary of the Colonial Office. And so, by sheer coincidence, in 1916, Lord Luggard named (again?) a then proposed railway terminus and sea port, Port Harcourt, Garden City, alias, Pitaqua, the original City of Angels, capital, and only city of present day Rivers State (The original kampe Treasure Base of the Nation’s loot), after that illustrious and very kind Colonial Secretary, Lord Harcourt. Certainly, we need to sharpen our focus on this very first ever military administrator of the geographic expression named, "Nigeria", by his spouse, in order to better understand the very dangerous precedence he set for our country.

After settling down to the power intoxication of founding and presiding over his amalgamated contraption, Lord (Colonel) Fredrick Luggard single-handedly proceeded to impose a unitary system of government on Nigerians, without any inputs from his lucky subjects. Starting with Lord Luggard, for 46 years and 10 months (between January 1, 1914, and October 1, 1960), one officer of the British Armed Forces after the other was posted directly from London on official assignment to rule Nigeria. Each and every one of them personally crafted, and then imposed on Nigerians, what they seriously believed were very appropriate Constitutions for Nigerians: Clifford; Thompson, Cameron, Bourdillon, Richards, Macpherson, and Robertson. One day, it was "unitary". The next day, it was "regional". And yet the next day, it was "federal". Meanwhile, Nigerians waited patiently to implement, without reservation, the constitutions imposed on them by their colonial Military Governors. For a change, in 1954 and early 1960, Her Majesty’s Government had the kindness of heart, and even bent over backwards to invite an assorted crowd of Nigerian native participants to a Constitutional Conference (in the UK!), prior to granting the country independence. Of course, their deliberations were subject to final ratification by the Colonial Office.

Indeed, Lord (Colonel) Fredrick Luggard laid a very solid foundation (and dangerous precedence at that) in the esoteric art of States creation, and the science of the conceptual design, drafting, editing, and promolgation of unrepresentative Constitutions for later day British and Nigerian Military Governors and Military Presidents to imbibe and impose, at the risk of the citzens. And so, between 1966 and 1999, Nigerian Generals J.T. Aguiyi-Ironsi, Yakubu Gowon, Olusegun Obasanjo (GCFR), Ibrahim Babangida (GCFR), Sani Abacha (GCFR), and finally, Abdulsalami Abubakar (GCFR), all packaged Constitutions for, and on behalf of Nigerians, just like their British predecessors!

Come to think of it, who ever dared bring up the un-patriotic, satanic and unduly radical idea of a National Conference to the hearing of Colonel (Lord) Luggard, or Richards, or Macpherson? Who, in their right senses, could ever have challenged British Colonel Fredrick Luggard, when he kindly amalgamated Nigeria for us? Why then should indigenous General Johnson Aguiyi-Ironsi not be allowed the same fundamrntal privilege of rank and office to follow in Luggard’s footsteps and whim? Is it because Ironsi no be oyibo, but onye Igbo? Unitary na unitary ke. Abi?

Why then should Nigerian Generals Yakubu Gowon, Murtala Mohammed, Badamasi Babangida, and Sani Abacha not also create States and Local Government Areas, without consultations or referenda? Afterall, no be una say say, na God send them, make them try help Am dey create states, yafun-yafun? Anyway, sha, make una know say, the people wey una dey take make yeye like this, na General-o-o! Them even try sef say na only states wey them create! Suppose nko, say, them for wan’ create new country sef, like that common Colonel Luggard been do, sebi, una for done begin to dey talk? OK! Even sef, if that small-boy oyibo colonel be "Lord" for ‘im village, we, we get general wey kuku be "Chief" for our own country. Abi una blind? This Lord Luggard sef. Him no even fight better civil war like our own original generals, yet still people dey give am respect pass. I think, when ‘e reach oyibo, una no go fit talk. Na only when ‘e reach our own turn, na ‘im Nigerians go know how to dey blow dogo Turenchi: True Federalizm. See ‘im mouth. Resource Control. Come on, Shut up! Komkombility! Resource Control ko-o-o , Remote Control ni-i-i!

For 1922, when oyibo Sir Hugh Clifford, wey been take over from Lord Luggard, been annul the two Legislative Council wey been dey for Lagos that time, come change them with one single Legislative Council for Southern provinces, wetin una been do? Nothing! When, for 1993, a whole Nigerian President-General, wey been saviour una from WAI brigade, come annul ‘im own, una begin find trouble. Kai! Chineke God, Olorun Baba, Tanuno. Una no dey fear? Where wey una kpatriotizm dey?

Just make una look, now: From 1914 to 1922 (that na eight (8) better years-o-o-o!), when oyibo Colonel (Lord) Luggard been siddon kampe for ‘im own Aso Rock for Marina, Lagos, nobody complain say ‘im been succeed ‘imself. ‘Im hand over to Sir Hugh Clifford. No election, and yet, everybody quiet. From 1922 to 1926 wey oga Clifford been dey reign, better come land we country again-i-o-o-o! Constitution, ‘e donate am for us. Him even sorry us allow people like Herbert Macaulay them to dey form party! FEDECO no dey. INEC sef no been dey that time, sha. Nobody complain.

After Sir Hugh Clifford ‘im regime, na ‘im Sir Graham Thompson come become Governor for Nigeria. For 1927, some women them for Aba, been think say them tough. Nothing happen, yet them come riot, dey show them bobby any how. Them even call the riot "Ógù Úmù wányì Igbo". God forbid bad thing! Na ‘im oyibo Governor-General, Sir Graham Thompson, wey God ‘Imself, take ‘im own hand select, come show them pepper. Oyiboman MOPOL just sorry them kill only 50 women. Asé’wó bastard! Yèyé akunakuna. Them lucky, sha. For six (6) good years, that be 1930~1936, oyibo Sir Cameron been be Military Governor for Nigeria, after oga Sir Thompson do ‘im own espirit de corps, hand over power, jejely for am. No election. No noise.

No do, no do, 1937 come land. Zik sef land Nigeria, become ordinary editor for "West African Pilot" newspaper. Meanwhile, another oyiboman wey we no even know before, before, come come become Governor-General. ‘Im name been be Sir Bernard Bourdillon. Bourdillon ‘im no waste time sef, at all. With immediate effect and automatic alacrity, ‘e just take style divide Lord Luggard ‘im yèyé Southern Protectorate into Western and Eastern provinces, with them own headquarters for Ibadan and Enugu for 1939. Up Bourdillon! Na you, bikó! When Zik come become Governor-General for 1960, how many states wey ‘im been create? Governor-General, my nyash. Na so-so "Zikizm, Zikizm" wey ‘e dey blow. Tifiaqua!

Another six (6) years pass. Bourdillon just handover "business as usual", in the spirit of "turn-by-turn", for 1943, give ‘im fellow oyibo, Sir Arthur Richards, the yam and the knife, to become Governor too. You see? Transition smooth. No "June twelve". No complain. Oyibo organise, sha! In case you no know, na this same Sir Arthur Richards, wey God speak to am for GSM, when ‘e been dey kampe, tell am say "My dear oyibo pikin. Make you introduce Federalizm for them Constitution first, first, as your own dividend of democracy for Nigerians. Them go like am. Just try am see". You can trust oyibo. ‘Im no waste time, ‘e do am. We happy-happy say God done bless us with another messiah. God dey, sha.

Five (5) years pass. No election, no complain. Sir Arthur Richards kuku step aside, throw ‘way salute, hand over, for 1948, to Sir John Macpherson as oga oyibo Governor. For the same year wey all this dey happen, na ‘im wey oyibo sorry us add jara plus fisi, open University College for Ibadan. We happy.

Soldier come, soldier go. Queen Elizabeth come, Queen Elizabeth go. Shell come, Shell stay. Them begin to dey do exploration since 1937, wey oyibo Governor-General Bourdillon dash them the whole Nigeria (gbogbo-e, gbogbo-e) make them exploration any how them like, after all, kpa-aa-kpa-aa, Nigeria na Government own. Shell explorate so-tay, so-tay, them nearly tire for exploration. ‘E been be like say show no ‘gree rhyme. Them bomb the ground-o, bomb am, bomb am tire, show still no ‘gree. Na him wey for 1956, God come answer them prayer. Ye-e-e Kparikpata! Shell jam oil for ground for Oloibiri. Thank God, ojare. Ground bombing done stop small for Oloibiri. If them like, make them start to dey enjoy them sleep for night, with immediate effect, that one no consign me, jo-o-o. BBC sef shout for England, we dey for London, say, really, true, true, Shell done discover ground-oil for Oloibiri, for Nigeria. Oyibo dey craze, some time. How wey man go see palm oil wey dey for tree, lef am, start to dey dig hole for ground, dey look for oil? Which kind yam wey them dey chop for yonder? Potatoes? Haba!! Wetin? Na so-so discovery them dey discover. Day and night, discovery.

Oyibo sef, and discovery. I think una remember say Navy Captain (Engineer) Vasco Da Gamma, na ‘im first to discover Cape of Better Life, for South Africa? I think una also remember say na one kind young Major (Dr.) Mongo Park, wey first discover River Niger, first discover Timbuktu, first discover Mali, make small mistake, think say River Niger dey go express to join River Nile, via Lake Chad, come crash, gboza!!!, die for near where NEPA them Shiroro dam dey today? I think una remember say na two oyibo brothers, Captain and Major Lander, wey first discover Oshimili River around Asaba side, join am to River Niger near Lokoja, first discover say, true, true, people dey live for Aboh. Them for done discover Aboh too, if no be that strong-head Obi wey no dey respect ‘im juniors. Any way, sha, the Lander Brothers land, land, land-i-o, till them land Aboh, enter Obi prison, hear nwin-in!

That time, the correct madam wey been be Amayanabo of Brass ‘im wife, Her Majesty, First Lady Adaeze, been go beg ‘im papa, Obi of Aboh, make ‘e sofri, sofri, with the Lander brothers them. Her Excellency Adaeze come go tell ‘im, papa, HRH (Native Dr.) Obi of Aboh, say one oyibo business man from Royal Niger Company, wey been dey do business with them, wey ‘e be High Commissioner for the British Consulate for Fernando Po, wey dey for Panyan, beg ‘im husband, Amayanabo of Brass, say, make ‘im kukuma try now, do wetin ‘im fit do, use ‘im connection, wangle the Lander Brothers come o’t for Aboh Kirikiri, say malaria dey country-o-o! See wetin exploration and discovery done bring. You tell this small, small oyibo youth corpers, wey just join army, enter Sandhurst yesterday, make them no dey explorate and discovery any how, them no go hear. Nto-o-o-o. Mme-e-e-e! Her Excellency really try, sha. HRH Obi of Aboh sorry them, lef am for God, release the suspected oyibo coup plotters, after small egunje, kola, pounds sterling and Christmas hamper of appreciation, from Royal Niger Company Ltd, P.O. Box 1, Santa Isabella, Fernando Po, Panyan.

Any way, sha, after Shell explorate finish, come discovery the crude ground-oil for Oloibiri for 1956, oga oyibo Governor fire decree for 1959. Him call am Petroleum Profit Tax Ordinance. The tax wey Governor-General collect just fly pass them for Oloibiri, land Lagos, land Ibadan, land Kaduna, land Enugu. Everybody happy, happy. For that same year, 1959, oyibo Milad sorry us dash Northern Region self-government. Meanwhile, Eastern Region and Western Region them been done already get them own self-government since 1957. That one na him Zik them been dey call "True Federalism" (Oyibo!)

For August 29 1959, oyibo Governor Sir James Robertson, come remember say, Nigeria no even get Central Bank sef. Na wa! Since 1914, reach 1959, for forty-five good years, Luggard-o, Clifford-o, Thompson-o, Cameron-o, Bourdillon-o, Richards-o, Macpherson-o, them no been need any goddam Central Bank. Them just been dey enjoy, yafun-yafun, dey store government money for inside Government House, wey them been dey sleep, look after the money, well, well for us. Them kind-i-o! Oga Governor-General James Robertson come remember say ‘im own transition programme go soon get comma, apply brake, and stop for full stop for October 1, 1960, na ‘im ‘e come release budget make them quick-quick organise better contract, with better contractor wey understand, make ‘im build better Central Bank of Nigeria, kia-kia, put am for Tinubu Square, Lagos. ‘E say am., and ‘e do am too. Oyibo no dey disappoint.

That guy, Sir James Robertson, na guy. If you see am with ‘im original Royal Navy uniform, wey ‘im cap dey like white banana leaf, when ‘e dey throw ‘way and receive salute for Empire Day, you go know say, khaki no be leather. I tire no be lazy. That man, na real gagwo! Correct axsion Governor. Original messiah. No body force am. Him see all the better oyibo soldiers wey come from the same tribe like am for UK, wey still dey for barracks for Ikeja Cantonment, for Kano, for Kaduna, for Enugu, for Obalende, for Abeokuta, for Ibadan, dey wait them own turn to become Governor-General too. Him leave all of them, go just appoint civilian Nigerian, Alhaji Abubakar Tafawa Balewa, for us as our first Prime Minister. Him try. After that appointment na ‘im Sir James Robertson come organise Federal Elections for other yèyé posts. Awo manage catch Leader of Opposition. My brother, me, I no understand wetin that one fit make person enjoy dividends. Opposition Leader! Wetin be ‘im budget? Just to blow English. Na English we go chop? As for Zik of Africa, Sir James Robertson, no forget am-o! Him call Zik, take am go for ‘im Aso Rock for Marina, Lagos, show am the goody-goodies wey dey for the fridge. Beer sef boku, odeku yafun-yafun. Champagne nko, ‘e dey there. Swimming pool-u-o, ‘e dey there. Piano, ‘e dey there. As for the bed, the thing b-i-i-i-g. ‘E fit carry three better life First Ladies, or one First Lady and two spare tyres, at a time. Governor-General dey enjoy-i-o!

I think you remember how devil been dey take style tempt God pikin, take am go on top mountain dey show am Jerusalem. Dey show am Lebanon, dey show am Tel Aviv, dey show am Bethlehem, dey show am Jordan, dey show am Syria, dey show am Cairo, dey show am Iraq, dey show am Iran, dey show am Afghanistan wey no get Taliban them, dey show am Pakistan, dey show am India, in fact dey show am the whole world, including Ama-Good-Evening Street, wey dey for Ajegunle. Satan show God pikin all this big, big temptation, even sef, ‘im been dey beg am make ‘e try chop pig sandwiches for that kind Ramadan time for olden days. Satan just dey think say if mugu fall, guy must wack. Na so Sir James Robertson too been take toast Zik. ‘Im tell am say, orders from above tell am say, make ‘im tell Zik say, Queen done make Zik, Governor-General. Him tell Zik say, even though scarcity done catch the white banana skin cap uniform wey oyibo Governor-General them been dey wear, make Zik no mind, sha. Him fit wear danshiki plus "power shift" cap. Zik come ‘gree.

Na ‘im October 1, 1960 come come. Independa land, gboza-a-a-! Queen send ‘im girl-cousin make ‘e represent am, for the owambe. Come see where Zik them, Balewa them, Awo them dey dance wholesale with that royal visitor, you go know say love dey for British Empire. That girl can dance Kokoma. Her Majesty’s emissary rendered her speech in Queen’s English, hopefully survived malaria, and quickly retrieved the Union Jack, on behalf of Her Majesty, from Nigeria in one piece, as directed by her aunt. Shortly afterwards, the entourage of the royal guest, without any sirens or lorry loads of aides, security agents, bodyguards, thugs and praise-singers, left royally with Sir James Robertson, in a Rolls Royce. Hand over complete.

The forty-six years of transition from unitary civilianized British military dictatorship to federal militarised civilian West Minister democracy came to a very fruitful end on October 1, 1960. Definitely, Lord Luggard is the one and only founding father of "We, the people…"