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Farouk for President [1] By Fellow country men and women, I bring you good tidings. I am sure you are all amazed and delighted about my candidature for the presidency. And, if you are not…I believe by the time you finish reading this, you will come to the conclusion that the end is nigh. O Yes…I have contacted the Lord and he has given me the nod ahead of the incumbent. If you don’t believe me, get down on your knees and ask the Lord yourself.
To be on the safe side, I did also send my emissaries to the recent meeting of the military wing of the Caliphate that took place in Zamfara recently, under the cloak of the marriage ceremony of my hero and mentor the highly respected and well thought of Marafan of Sokoto. I have consulted far and near, from the slums of Ijebu Waterside to the riverside of Abakaliki, from the banks of Lake Chad to the far lands of Kachia. I know you are reading this with disbelief, but since all the crackpots have decided to hide, and I heard Marshall Harry's petrol stations have been closed down so that he cannot make all those south south candidate noises, I hereby declare my candidacy for the President of Nigeria.
Go shout this out at the banks of the Niger. Nigeria, your problems and travails are just starting. No, I mean ending. The redeemer cometh.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the incumbent is running scared. The word is out, any general that allows a crank like Fryo to si'id his fila at the Oba’s palace [1999] is not worthy. And, before they launch their campaign of calumny against me, let me use this opportunity to dispel all the rumors that have been whirling around my candidacy. I am not sponsored by Babangida. Although I am in frequent contact with Ibro, who I do confess is my close friend, closer to me than Nzeribe and Gani Adams put together. My candidacy is supported by the yan Arewas and not by an individual. Indeed, I am not only a friend of the Arewas, I am intertwined with them as a Fulbe. For the records, my connections span the entire country. The first human being I ever saw on this earth was a Yarriba man, whose name appears on my birth certificate as my doctor, and the Eboes know that, I know, that they know, that I know, what they know, which we know, I know.
The purpose of this write up is to lay out in simple detail my plans for our country. Most of you are wondering why I should stick my neck out and run for the position of presidency when I have always been reticent about public office. The answer is, there is a time for everything. Don’t forget, penicillin was an accidental discovery. And nobody has heard of Abalaka recently.
These are the 10 cardinal principles of my presidency. Read this out loud to yourself: 1. Maximum Wage…this slogan is copyrighted! 2. Free health care …for the wealthy, they just have to buy their medicines in dollars. 3. Abolition of illiteracy…tall order 4. Public Transportation…who no want railway? 5. Abolition of the military as we know it…what does this mean? 6. Human Rights / Free Speech…say what you like but have your tax returns ready! 7. Social and Criminal justice .the end of ethnic militias as we know it. 8. Welfare and quality of life….more prisons. 9. Freedom of worship….Shariah is guaranteed…was Safiya not set free? 10.Farmers! Farmers! Farmers! Farmers! ..that is right, farmers rule! Resource control?...Sure, by farmers and fishermen only.
I remember in the build up to the 1979 presidential elections, Nduka Onum then of the Punch newspapers kept asking Awolowo how he was going to finance his free education, Awo replied that he would not say it, so that his opponents would not make use of it. Here, I differ. My presidential program is built on three thrusts:
Environmental One thing I will not do as a student of Awoism, is fill you in on how I am going to execute the programs listed above. Therefore, let me go back to my potential opponents or opponent. What is the difference between the two of us? Records. Yes, look at the records. The Obasanjo farm was sponsored and built with oil money not cocoa money. It is heavily capitalized and workers are not being paid, neither is it making profit. Would you trust a man who cannot even manage a farm that was already paid for, to run the economy of Nigeria?…No. Now, look at me.. I have been a cab driver in New York… I understand the economics of oil. There would be a permanent moratorium on fuel price increases. Word. As for security, I assert that being a cab driver in New York is more dangerous than being a rear guard general during the Biafran war. Looking at it strategically, as soon as Awolowo declared the economic blockade and the change of currency, the war was as good as over. The rest was just resistance, and if you don’t believe my version of history, ask the general which town he captured? Is it Calabar, Uyo, Ikot Ekpene, Port Harcourt, Aba, Owerri or Umuahia? Mention names mon general as the French would say. Added to that my people, I have security experience, I am now a maiguard in a financial house. Okay, I know what you are thinking, but don’t forget white men seldom leave a Nigerian to guard money. Armed robbers and assassinations? Finito. Trust me. Fellow country men and women, don’t forget, God gave me the signal first. Anybody coming after this must be screened and made to undergo the equivalent of the Fulani marriage ritual test of manhood.
Aremu beware, I have friends in high places. My people, I declare that your problems are over, there would be no more massacres, no more hunger in the land and no more strikes. Who has ever promised you maximum wage? Tell me.
Maximum wage, Maximum wage, Maximum wage. Repeat after me. NB I am putting up my inaugural team and list of ministers, diplomats and heads of parastatals are now being compiled. All interested candidates should write in to the email above. Appointments would strictly be based on quota.
Dedicated to the memory of Bola Ige...may the Orisun odoriferous permeating the land of Oduduwa waft away. We trust you would understand. Ajibola Ige...Absent!
To be continued January 2002 |