Farouk for President [3]

By

Orok Edem

Maximum wage, maximum wage, maximum wage…. Changi dole….. life more abundant!…Farook... Farook…..Farook!

My fellow country men and women. The following are my ‘thoughtless thoughts’ on security, my first foreign policy pronouncement and an assessment of my opponents in the coming 2003 presidential elections.

We shall not know peace until the generation that woke up one morning, slaughtered us, led us into war, became generals, presidents, ministers; frittered away tons of our wealth and all what not, when in their 20s and 30 and till date, passes on. We shall not know peace until that generation, is eased out of governance or kept busy, away from the running of the state. That generation does not know anything but war and wahala. The said generation exists and survives on subterfuge, and if we are not careful, that generation would be the death of us all. They were the young and the restless of the independence era. It is sad, but it is this same generation that has given birth to the ‘man from Chicago, the Emeka Offors, the Terry Wayos’ the Sergeant Rogers and the numerous Daniel Kanus’. The present demo-crazy is a by product of their vision and imagination.

To bring peace to the polity, my government would as a matter of national priority make it mandatory and make provision for a lifetime supply of the drug Viagra to the likes of Danjuma, Ikemba, Nwobosi, Ejoor, Ali Must Go, Ogbemudia, Gusau, IBB, Buhari, Ewu the Great, Adebayo, Akinrinade, Adekunle, Effiong etc. To be more complete, all those still living who were gazetted as officers into any arm of the armed forces from 1950 to 1975, retired or not tired. They have to be kept busy.

I am not condemning any of these brave, reckless and even well meaning band of men and women. But, they are products of their time and place. Fellow Nigerians, empower me to grant a political and economic amnesty as envisaged in my earlier pronouncement. [Farouk for President 2] There would follow, peace and a steady pursuit of happiness for us all. Subterfuge, diversionary tactics, bullying, Ghana must go and divisive negative propaganda would be a thing of the past. I would open my arms and embrace all Nigerians especially the women. Hold it. Don’t take that literarily. I would empower them in terms of economic development only.

Times have changed. Why the sudden force feeding of ‘hate the Eboes’ propaganda emerging from the seat of governance, thirty years after a civil war. We know the Eboe man is his own worst enemy, and they cannot for the life of me, know when to keep quiet and stay still when being goaded. Neo Biafranism indeed. If the Eboes hate buying and selling, I hereby implore them to hand over their trading secrets to me and their minority neighbors. After all, our fore fathers taught them the trick, and made the mistake of joining the civil service in droves. Today, where are we? No political power, no economic power and even our bottom power is fast eroding. Has Stella the Yeye Oranmiyan of Ife brought us resource control?

Security

Fellow Nigerians, security would be a by word in action and deed. The security forces would be reorganized after the Sovereign Tribal Conference. There would not be State Police but Zonal or Regional Police, with the Mobile and Mounted strong arm of the Police being merged with certain de-mobbed number of the present military to form a National Guard. There would be crimes regarded as Federal, and therefore, would exist a Federal Police to cater for Abuja and provide scientific infrastructures to the zones. I cannot go into details, but suffice it to say that this Kongi’s Highway patrol, which he is now using as a front to frolic with the bully in Abuja [when he has not told us who killed Ige] would be disbanded and merged with the Federal Police to patrol federal highways.

This government has failed us in terms of security. Look at how they have muddled up elementary policing. The police force as presently constituted cannot go on strike, if they do, the word is mutiny and the penalty for mutiny is DEATH. Anybody who is trying policemen or soldiers for the above offence should bear this in mind. If you are not willing to shoot them, then don’t try them.

My people, I would enact a law that allows retaliatory killings of citizens and visitors. That is, if the Habe of Kano kills an Eboe man. The Eboes of Aba would be justified to kill an equivalent number of Habes or anybody that looks like them, in Aba. Ditto, if the Yarribas of Idi Araba kills any Habe in Lagos, the Habes would be entitled to an equivalent number of Yarriba heads anywhere in the north. Females and children would not be included. Men would be substituted in their places.

My government would give a national media honor to Kenyan born Jeff Koinage of the CNN. I do not know the difference in what this Mazrui’s fellow countryman reported, that is different from what was reported in all Nigerian newspapers about the reaction of the Eboe refugees holed up in Kano army barracks, who shouted at Ewu the bully, that they wanted Biafra. Why is everybody picking on him? Could someone tell me if Koinage is a Muslim?

Foreign Policy

Let me now touch on my foreign policy projections. I want to make it abundantly clear that on foreign policy, I regard the boundary of Nigeria as ending in Douala, Cameroun. I find it very funny that with all these Nigerian lawyers handling the case of the Backassey Peninsula, nobody has found it fit to revisit the United Nations plebiscite that cut away a large chunk of Nigeria. That plebiscite was supposed to be revisited after a ten year period. So, instead of fighting over whether Jack gave away the land to Ahidjo, as if we were expecting him to cut a fair deal on his own without his hands being held, especially against a Fulbe, we should be revisiting the whole UN plebiscite.

Jack said, "access to Calabar". Access to Calabar by sea, means through the Rio Del Rey and the Calabar or Cross River! I know what you would say, Nigerian lawyers are a by product of their law school examination scams. Hey, nobody is perfect. But, as this ties into the derivation principle of the country, is Cross River State a part of Camerouns or Nigeria? All those in Ewu’s government who are awarding this state 0.148 billion naira [what the heck is this figure in millions?] and having a laugh should have a re-think, or when the eventual plebiscite comes…… Fellow Nigerians, let France come to war if she may, but we cannot allow the president of Nigeria to come from the Camerouns, in any case, that automatically makes me the president of the Camerouns.

Presidential opponents

Let me again take a moment to tell you about my prospective opponents. The last we heard, Gani SAN [not to be confused with Gani OPC] wanted to contest, but was waiting for an approval from his mum. My people, we have had a president who waits for God, before making up his mind. Should we go for the one that would elevate first motherhood to the totem of an oracle? I say NO. I have no problems with Gani as an individual, but I would want to remind you of what the late Joseph Tarka [PBUH] said, concerning the late Aminu Kano [PBUH] contesting for the presidency. The problem with Gani is that, if he becomes president, we would one day wake up and find him leading a protest and picketing Aso Rock, forgetting that he is the ruling president. A vote for Gani, is a wasted vote. Anyway, he would be too busy chasing the man from Chicago, to attend to the affairs of state and we heard recently that his name is on the list of Yarribas to be assassinated. Gani take cover….o!

Fellow Nigerians, I had a dream that Ewu and myself were praying for God’s guidance over the forthcoming elections. We heard a voice call out to the man from Owu to get ready. The bully immediately sprang up pulled out his service pistol and cocked it. Suddenly, there was thunder and commotion and finally a light beam appeared. We were reeling. The bully lowered the cocked pistol from his temple, I followed his hands down and noticed that his trouser was wet around the groin. The bully had peed on himself. Then the voice asked:

"Why did you intend to travel to America when your people were dying?"

My fellow country man, Anybody who votes for Aremu is going against the ‘Will of God.’ I will bring peace to the land and put food on your table.

Faroook, Farook, Farook, Farouk, Farouk dan Calabar, the south northerner for president!!

February 2002