Furiously Unreligious

By

Orok Edem

Let me make it abundantly clear, and if this costs me my place in heaven or aljana, so be it. There is nothing more dangerous in this world than a religious conviction. Could anybody reading this explain to me why is it that with all the abundant land in northern Nigeria, [which is going to be deployed in the resource control fight] Muslems find it necessary to block highways when they are praying? Why is it that Christians find it necessary to block the Ibadan – Lagos expressway when they go for revival meeting? Roadside religion. There is something about these people that one can’t quite put a finger on. Something is wrong somewhere and the only explanation that comes to mind, is that our Gods are angry! Remember that saying, those whom the Gods want to destroy, they first make mad.

Recently, in Cross River State, a community wanted to celebrate the new yam festival. The Christians said no. Did I hear you say: for where? Yes, it happened. In a state ruled by a Christian governor who loves agriculture so much that he has been planting pineapple and palm trees, meanwhile his wife holds the sole license to import Uncle Ben’s rice into Nigeria. Now, why would he want our Gods to bless the new yam season, where abundant yam would be produced to compete with rice? Why?

Why is it that it is only the followers of Jesus and Mohammed, [peace be unto them] that have developed this dangerous mindset which could conjure up and accept an apocalyptic dimension of violence? What is it with monotheists that they cannot come to terms with rapid historical changes which makes old certainties less than certain. What manner of people rejoice at the death of another? Abacha died, there was dancing on the streets of Lagos. The World Trade Center got pulverized, Zamfara and Jos went ga ga. Whatever happened to the traditional teaching that you do not rejoice when the vulture devours the corpse of your enemies? Clowns of God. A catholic priest is engaging in the private practice of taking the Maguzawas of Katsina to Onitsha for training [?] and our Fulani intellectuals are silent. Is it because those children are Hausawas ? Please don’t tell me the Sharia courts cannot deal with such missteps. Lamido Sanusi and Bala Usman say something.

It is the end of the world as we know it. The Caucasians are bristling. Throughout the history of the world no group has ever come to their lair to give them a bloody nose. Forget that Australia, Canada, New Zealand and America were not originally theirs. But it is their civilization, even if it was built by black labor. Wasn’t the pyramids built with slave labor? Look, listen and learn. Thatcher once echoed this saying ‘That which their father bequeaths thee, thou must re earn it anew, if thou are to keep it’. Forget the early blunders, like Bush, Jr., jumping into an airplane to go to Washington DC when the enemy had taken over the sky. Suddenly, you could see fear in their eyes and nature is such that they have to lash out, because they don’t take to vulnerability very well. Would the Arab states play ball? Sure, if the west is willing to pay the dowry. A Palestinian state with Jerusalem as the capital. Not to worry, history is on the side of the crusaders.

Choleric and rheumy looking Arafat, donating blood to the Americans. Very funny. You have to laugh to stop from crying. Aremu’s scramble to Zamfara., too little too late. Rumor has it that our president offered the services of the Nigeria Police to locate the whereabouts of the terrorists. Powell was skeptical. [He doesn’t trust Nigerians] The president then radioed the Divisional Police Officer at Owutu, who contacted the Baba ke, and after some incantations coupled with a throw of the Ifa beads., the verdict came back. Osama bin Laden is in Papua New Guinea. "Wait a minute, how is that possible"? Powell queried. He was told, remember that refugee ship off the coast of Australia? All of Osama’s nuclear group were on it. Don’t forget you are dealing with a ‘thinking enemy’ he knew well ahead about the fall out of his actions and made the necessary plans, including knocking off the rebel leader fighting against the Taliban. Powell did not budge. In desperation our own president offered to surrender Gani Adams to the Americans as his contribution in the fight against international terrorism. He was turned down on the account that Gani is a Muslem, and Americans are not in the Muslem witch hunting business. He later offered to donate blood, but wily Arafat had already done that., and nobody could swear as to the number of sex partners Aremu has had in the recent past, coupled with the fact that he was seen in the company of prostitutes recently repatriated from Rome for overstaying after their pilgrimage. What next? When in doubt, travel.

Did you see the picture of Tony Blair with six African beggars, bowl in hand at Downing Street? Very pathetic. Aremu does not get it. The white man is not canceling Nigeria’s debt in as much as there are Nigerians like him who can write off the debt. Why is it that any time Aremu travels to London for debt relief, there is always a nasty story about Nigeria preceding him. The story of the number one corrupt nation, the most corrupt custom and excise in the world and now the non payment of retired soldiers salaries. Aremu stay home. Come to think of it, isn’t Aremu a Christian? Look at Pakistan and the irony of geography. In one single swoop, this Muslem country has her thirty billion dollar debt wiped off and promises of help with the Indian problem. What does Nigeria get? An emirate in Jos!

I have seen the light. There is no heaven or hell, when you die God sends you back to atone for your sins as an African. On behalf of the traditional religionists of Nigeria, I say enough. Let nobody describe me as a pagan, animist, maguzawa or unbeliever no more. We are coming to reclaim our place. We own the land not these undisciplined disciples of bearded men.

September, 2001