If you have ever taught in an elementary school, you would very quickly recognize the title of this article. Within a single school day, you would have been called on, to break up numerous fights starting and ending with the above statement. Teachers, I love them to death. Remember Prof. Essang, the one time Minister of Finance. I ran into him once, setting an economics exam for his students. I said: Prof., this is the same question you asked us when I was your student, don’t you think the present day students will catch on and prepare for it? He replied. ‘Orok, you child of little faith, in economics we are constantly changing the answers!’ Ha….teachers.

I am sick and tired of this verbiage between the Yorubas and the Hausa /Fulanis. I have had enough. The question is, are these two groups really quarrelling with each other? My answer is, no. They are just being clever. One thing is certain, travel to Ibadan. Get into a cab. As you are entering the cab, the driver mutters a curse under his breathe. Another passenger exits the cab he does the same thing. A new one enters he curses. You pay him he curses. Then out of the blues, he breaks into a song and waves to a friend's wife passing by. You exit the cab, he throws one at you. That is the Yoruba for you. He means you no harm. You go to Kaduna and stop to buy suya, the Mallam literary squats down and ranka dede you to death. He does not disagree with you. No matter your demands. All you hear is to…to…to…. which in Yoruba means 'to urinate'. That is the Hausa man for you. He also does not mean you any harm. When aroused these same men are capable of either torching you or cutting of your head. But, God [?] has forced them to remain in Nigeria together!!!

Umaru Dikko has listed all that is bad in the Yorubas and I need not go into that, but, what baffles me is that after all these, he is still threatening to go to war to retain the Yorubas in Nigeria. There is this Hausa joke about a man who was stopped at a check point and asked how many people were in his car? He replied… ‘Five people and one Yoruba man’. The Arewa Forum created the present government, which means the north is still ruling, after this government, the Yorubas would have their turn, after which comes the Eboes, and, or, the argument of the presidency moving north on one term basis, and like this, like that, the seat would be rotated amongst these two groups ad eternum. He took my pencil. Right….. When the chips are down both groups would agree to see the moon on the same day. Trust me.

The Adamu [Aremu] Obasanjo government was put in place with the blessing of the Caliphate to carry out the programs of Afenifere. I stand to be corrected. The naïve would think that the north is up in arms with the Yoruba over the statements of Adesanya, and a little blood letting by the OPC, but I say, tarry a while. Remember Yusuf Mamman? He is a nephew of Lawal Kaita and is married to a Fulani princess with strong roots in the Caliphate. His uncle is an Emir and he is an adopted son of Afenifere. Abdulkadir, the new AD chairman on the other hand, is an Igbirra. [okay from Gombe State] We are just witnessing a simple problem of miscommunication. If Adesanya wants to send a message to the Caliphate, he now has to pass through Abdul, who will go to Mahmud Attah of the Arewa Forum, who would talk to Gowon, who then would call Mamman…follow my drift? Don’t be surprised if you hear that Mamman has been arrested for urinating in public. He of course would immediately be granted bail.

It is déjà vu all over again. The days of the Action Group is being re enacted before our very eyes. Since we are running a type of government in which there is no particular person to blame for the tyranny, and we are all endowed with certain fundamental human rights, which we should of course have to fight for. I wish to state on record that: Bassey Ekpo Bassey is my cousin. It does not matter whether he is guilty or innocent, but any society that allows law enforcement officers to storm suspects houses at four o’clock in the morning, when they have not been declared wanted and have not refused any invitation from the arresting authorities., is not democratic and does not respect the rule of law.

Just to remind you, the same accusation labeled against Bassey, was labeled against Fasheun, who was arrested and later bailed. The leader of the Bakasi Boys was recently released in Enugu and the Police Commissioner redeployed. The Arewa Forum wants Mustapha and Co. bailed. ‘Al Mustapha is hallucinating’. Therefore, he should be referred to a hospital and not a court of law. It also follows that anything he says should be viewed through this prism. Is a sick man entitled to bail on health grounds, to seek medical treatment abroad? How would you find him guilty, if he is judged to be mentally incompetent to stand trial and, therefore, could not be held liable for his crimes, even if found guilty? Ding… ding …ding….ding….ding!

The problem with Bassey is that, he is like the blood that comes out of your mouth, you do not know whether to swallow it or spit it out. If you kill him, there will be no peace in Calabar. If you set him free, there might be no peace in Calabar. An Efik Etubom does not get arrested in the middle of the night, what you are doing is assaulting the collective sensibilities of the Calabars., but then, an Etubom should be a father to all and not get involved in partisan politics. It is pertinent to note that the information concerning his arrest came from Edwin Madunagu to Gani Fawehinmi…..we are waiting to see what his Afenifere compatriots and Akwa Ibom relatives would not do. I remember, Awo when offered the choice of several prisons, chose Calabar., and Prof. Sam Aluko another teacher, would tell you why. Who is contesting the 2003 elections? Not me, even if you pay me.

My mind [if I still have one] travels to one interview given by Archbishop Okogie, about how all sorts of agitation were made to get him access to MKO while he was in detention. He went there with Papa Enahoro, but on getting to the gate, the Okhakulor told him to wait outside, and went in and discussed with MKO alone. When he came out, Okogie asked him what they discussed only to be told not to worry. Recently, Papa has been surfacing in different regions with adequate sound bites for the press. I assume this is a little piece of impertinence, but I just cannot help asking who is paying his transport fare? Because, I had a very revealing experience sometime ago.

I was in a bus traveling between Kaduna and Zaria, when the driver decided to have his engine oil checked at Riga Chukun. Unknown to us the passengers, the Hausa driver of our bus had a Yoruba rival plying the same route who was coming in the opposite direction. As fate would have it, both buses stopped at Riga Chukun at about the same time. Our Hausa driver recognized one of the passengers the other driver was carrying, and started shouting at the top of is voice. ‘Look at that stupid Ogoni passenger you are carrying in your bus’. The Yoruba driver took umbrage, and asked him why he was insulting his passenger? Our driver became belligerent and threatened to deal with his rival’s passenger. No do, no do, our driver went to the other car, dragged out the Ogoni man and gave him a blow on the nose. The Yoruba driver in the opposing car, got really mad and dived towards our bus. Where are you from? He asked the front seat passenger? The man pulled himself up as only a seated man could. ‘I am an Ijaw’. He replied. Whereupon, the Yoruba driver punched him in the ear. He then turned around at the Hausa driver, glared at him with hate filled eyes and waved his fist. Don’t mess with me, you hit my Ogoni passenger, I would finish your Ijaw passenger.

There was commotion everywhere, soldiers on their way to Jaji had to stop and bring the situation under control. As he was being led back to his car, The Yoruba driver was muttering out loud; ‘that will teach that Ijaw man’ while the Hausa driver was still shouting to be let loose to finish the others’ Ogoni passenger.

Please Papa Enahoro, avoid public transport.

November, 2000