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IBB: An Exclusive Interview (Fiction) by
In a recent interview with a correspondent from the “Ngbati Watch”, former military dictator, elder statesman (sounds rather cacophonous, doesn’t it), engineer, mechanic, plumber, constructor, architect, psychologist, doctor, professor, philosopher, lawyer, Robin Hood, Hannibal, Maradona, avowed buzzard, and Lucifer avatar, Ibrahim Badamosi Babangida discussed the issue of his candidacy for the 2003 Presidential elections, among other things. Ngbati Watch: Sir, we had hoped to conduct this interview in Lagos as you had in fact agreed to that arrangement. What made you change your mind sir? IBB: Well, I cannot answer that. After all, we are doing the interview right now, abi! Ngbati Watch: Are you inferring that you did not feel you’d be safe in Lagos. IBB: You are pretty persistent you know! I have told you I cannot answer that question. Next question! Ngbati Watch: Sir, are you suggesting that you feel safe anywhere in the country with the exception of Lagos? IBB: Look, I have told you time and again, there are extenuating circumstances that make it unwise for me to visit Lagos, I cannot go into that at this time. Ngbati Watch: But sir, the truth as the facts have shown is that you can’t walk freely on the streets even in Minna and other parts of the north. What do you attribute this resentment towards you to? IBB: Look (visibly upset), who sent you here! I invited you to do an interview in my home and now you want to insult me. Let me tell you something, if I go to Lagos and anything happens to me, Hausa youths will revolt all over the nation! Ngbati Watch: Sir, which Hausa youths are you talking about. Are you talking about the same youths that attacked you at a religious gathering not too long ago? IBB: Uh… I don’t know, next question! Ngbati Watch: Sir, what is your take on the present political situation in the country? IBB: Well, I think oga (Obasanjo) is doing the best giving the circumstances. I believe it is up to every Nigerian, the elite, like us in particular to support him as much as possible. Ngbati Watch: So, you think you are a member of the elite. I don’t understand, what segment of the so-called elite do you think you represent? IBB: Uh… what do you mean? Ngbati Watch: Sir, an elite is representative, by definition, of the best or most skilled members of a group, community or nation. It can also entail a small but “powerful” group. So when you call yourself a member of the elite, I am curious to know whether you are referring to the skilled or educated elite or the small but powerful group (which would be representative of the military). I am not sure Wole Soyinka or Chief Bola Ige would want to be mentioned in the same vein with you… and believe me, I don’t mean it as an insult, it’s just a fact! IBB: Are you saying that we don’t know book in the military! You see that is the problem with your people; you think you are better than everybody. As far as you are concerned life begins and ends in the land of Oduduwa! Ngbati Watch: Sir, you and I both know that the military has a bad reputation, rightly deserved, if I might add. I was merely trying to help you make a distinction between an institution such as the military, whose impact on the nation has been mostly negative, and the scholarly elite who view the institution you represent with utter contempt and would feel more than insulted to be grouped with such a collection… as they would say of ne’er do wells! IBB: …(interrupts) Thank you, you’ve helped enough. Next question! Ngbati Watch: In a recent address at a symposium organized in your honour in Jos, you stated that you did in fact re-engineer Nigeria. Could you please expound on this? IBB: Well, it is rather obvious. Things have changed you know. Ngbati Watch: …(cuts in) For the worse… yes, if that’s the kind of engineering you are talking about! IBB: No, you see you people don’t understand. You are getting emotional without looking at the facts. Ngbati Watch: …(cuts in abruptly) The facts sir, point to the reality that though abundantly blessed with both natural and human resources, Nigeria is now listed as one of the poorest nations in the world. Is this the kind of engineering you intended for the nation. I mean one could say you are more of a roadside mechanic, pardon my expression sir! IBB: Okay na you sabi. Next question! Ngbati Watch: Sir, Many have said that you still nurse very dearly, and most of your ardent opponents say to the detriment of the continued existence of Nigeria, the ambition of once again becoming the President. Is there any truth to this? IBB: Well, a lot of people are out there suggesting that I should run… Ngbati Watch: You mean run for dear life? IBB: No for office! But I am yet to make up my mind. Ngbati Watch: Sir, if one may ask. Why do you think you are qualified to run for the highest office in this country? IBB: Well, I have been there before and I know what the job is all about. Ngbati Watch: Well sir, based on your track record, it is arguable that you know what the job entails. I mean if one is to be frank, Nigeria has not been the same since your administration. The downward spiral by all accounts started during your administration and has continued ever since. IBB: I know you still won’t be fair, so next question! Ngbati Watch: What do you think of Gani Fawehinmi’s statement that if you are qualified to run for office, then “the prison gates should be thrown wide open so that all the criminals can come out and run for office?” IBB: Well, I think Gani is mad. Ngbati Watch: Sir, on the contrary, he says you are mad, bunkers… I mean nuts! IBB: Please don’t get too worked up. You may pop a vein. Ngbati Watch: Sir, in a recent interview, you stated that your government wanted the people in the rural areas to feel the impact of the government. Are you talking about the rural areas in Switzerland or the ones in Nigeria? IBB: I know what you are trying to say so I am not going to answer that question! Ngbati Watch: I was merely asking a question. Uh… did I strike a nerve? IBB: Next question! Ngbati Watch: Sir, what do you think about the recent agitation by the southern governors for control of their resources? Also, what is your take on the Sharia issue? IBB: I think the issue of the states controlling their resources is total nonsense. The resources belong to everyone! The federal government should be the one overseeing the resources as a whole. Ngbati Watch: But sir, I think they are a little bit worried about the likes of you and Abacha having undue control over their resources in the future giving historical precedence and facts. IBB: What do you mean? Ngbati Watch: I don’t know, you tell me! And what about Sharia? IBB: Well, I think Sharia should be allowed for Muslims and implemented to the fullest. Ngbati Watch: Implemented to the fullest? How come you still have your arms and legs then sir, while Sule, the goat thief has had his arms chopped off? IBB: I am not going to answer that. That is an insult to me…(begins to cough rather hard, must have struck another nerve… oops) you should not speak to me that way… Ngbati Watch: …(interrupts) I was merely asking you a question and no point was intended but obviously one was taken… smacks to me of a defensive posturing sir? IBB: You have no respect and I know you will still not be fair (sobbing rather quaintly). Ngbati Watch: (interrupts while giving him a handkerchief) How would you like to be remembered? IBB: …(still sobbing) You still won’t be fair… no matter what I say or do, you still want to crucify me. Ngbati Watch: Well sir, we would like to thank you for your time and we wish you the best (not really). IBB: (getting up from his chair) Is that it, please don’t go, please don’t leave, I need the attention, I must be noticed, I crave the limelight, please, ejo… …As the crew of Ngbati Watch left, the former dictator then ran in to retouch his make-up (as his mascara had started to wash off) and we promised him we would be back soon (when hell freezes over that is). Till next time folks!
The writer is an Internet/E-Commerce & Communications Executive, CBS Switchboard, Seattle
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