This piece ponders on the strategic repercussions of the complete collapse of the educational system in Nigeria. We have made the effort to adjust our perception of the problem in order to feel the magnitude of the dilemma from the perspective of the victims of Nigeria’s comatose educational system. Although this is an introspective piece, we have tried to repackage, in a lighter mood, the frequently raised (but consistently down-played) anxieties, frustrations, and alarms about the sorry state of education in Nigeria today, taking a cue from the message in the lyrics of a Nigerian artiste, Lagbaja ⁽¹⁾, and others, ^{(2, 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7)} in order to drive the message firmly into a seeming insensitive decision-making status quo. We believe that a clearer understanding of the plight of millions of victims of Nigeria’s current state of educational kwashiorkor would be a strong motivator to arrest the multi-generational euthanasia that is taking place in Nigeria.

Nigeria’s farcical tragedy takes a rather weird but comic twist as one finds that the three most anti-students, anti-lecturers, and indeed anti-intellectual military dictators who habitually shut down Nigerian universities at minimum provocation, whose riot policemen and soldiers shot live bullets at demonstrating Nigerian students inside their campuses, who hounded Nigerian university lecturers with manic obsession, General Obasanjo, General Babangida, and Major General Buhari, actually aspire to govern Nigeria again. Though this is sheer impunity stretched to its most elastic limit, it is also very strange and terrifying. Déjà vu?

Instead of the predictable resort to simplistic presidential verbal diarrhoea, psychological pressure, and unabashed blackmail, what is really required here is a prudent reconditioning of the mind to investigate facts before accepting any myth, of awakening the collective consciousness of Nigerians, by simply visualising the magnitude of the damage being done to Nigerians, living and unborn, and, most importantly, the will to show some proactive concern about the sustainability of the Nigerian nation state as a viable 21^st century democracy, given the on-going sub-normal state of the Nigerian educational system.

As we probe into the deep roots of the tragedy, we realise that most Nigerian undergraduates are simply victims of circumstance. What propels them into such a condition is a long history of the humiliation of the collective psyche of the Nigerian intelligentsia, and abject deprivation. Let us go beyond the limits of conjecture, right into the world of a typical 20-year-old Nigerian university student, whose surroundings could someday turn him into a graduate: an illiterate graduate.

Simply put, at the point of entry into a Nigerian university, the average fresher is a thoroughly disoriented young adult. But then, he has to make the best of a hopeless situation. Somehow, he manages to complete his secondary school education, irrespective of his academic capabilities, or intellectual potentials, despite the certificate acquisition road blocks of "state of origin", variable "cut-off" points, geopolitically preset indices of "educational disadvantage", and the advantages of proximity of a candidate’s village of origin to the university campus (the "catchment area" factor). He aspires very passionately to be a graduate, by all means necessary: by hook or (very probably) by crook. Incidentally, on admission into the university, he finds out that most of his neighbourhood hoodlums, some of them, well-known high calibre Area Boys, some of them, chronic dropouts, are fully dressed in their academic regalia on matriculation day. At any rate, he is happy that, at last, he has "entered", in the noble company of fellow Expo JAMBites, in hot pursuit of a certificate of "higher education"!

Even on "entry" into a Nigerian university, his nightmares do not necessarily end. He studies in a very harsh environment, complete with all manner of distractions and side attractions, with a hands-on exposure to the magical secrets of surviving life’s obstacle race in Nigeria. His feeding regime follows a fail-proof and well-researched routine, the "Zero-One-Zero" dietary system: no breakfast, a heavy (eba-reinforced) lunch, and no supper. Despite being "recommended for admission", even with his very low JAMB grades, by a "Who is who" (like a Local Government Chairman’s second wife, or a retired DPO, or a Standard 4 dropout Royal Father, or a Federal Minister), the financial implications of being an undergraduate are way beyond his means or those of his parents. But then, he wants to get a certificate, by all means.

Officially, there are bona fide squatters in every student hostel where they switch the ambience of their habitat from a sitting room to a bedroom, as the occasion demands. You will never quite appreciate the true meaning of the word "filth" until you try to use a toilet in a Nigerian university. In fact, you must carry along a cigarette or two to neutralise the stench. If you value your nyash, you will not sit on their toilet seats, because of the cheeky academic houseflies that overwhelm them. If our budding illiterate graduates ever dare to complain, (straight away!), the Vice Chancellor would simply brief a (world) press conference about a violent riot raging in his campus. Without any further need to waste precious executive time, the campus gets shut down, usually, indefinitely, pending the forgiveness, benevolence, and brainwave of the President, or the magnanimity of the Minister of Education, or the divinely inspired intervention of the God-fearing Visitor, His Excellency, the (sometimes non-graduate) Executive Governor!

Nigerian university libraries are over flowing with books that have long been out of print, probably since the end of the First Nigerian Civil War, in 1970. Why then would only our universities not continue to produce "look-look" and "follow-follow" graduates? How will our leaders of tomorrow, represent Nigeria at various international fora, and in multi-lateral negotiations in the future, when their counterparts overseas attend Harvard, Leeds, Yale, Imperial College, Princeton, Cambridge, UCLA, Tokyo, MIT, and Stanford?

Year in, year out, Nigerian universities connive and award useless degrees. Added to his uncompetitive remuneration, the university lecturer in Nigeria is isolated both from his peers worldwide, and from developments in his field of specialisation. And so, his research output is unavoidably unsatisfactory. His options are clear: check out, remain, tolerate, collude and then vegetate, or struggle to improve the system. Individual academics have been patriotic enough to stay back and rescue the system. That is the problem. ⁽²⁾

No education, no knowledge. No knowledge, no understanding. No understanding, no freedom. No freedom, no future.

Chief (Squadron Leader) D.S.P. Alamieyeseigha (JP), the Executive Governor and first citizen of Bayelsa State, recently acquired a bogus doctorate degree from some American 419ers. The Governor’s bogus doctorate degree was first announced at a cocktail party he organised for the staff of Government House, Yenagoa, marking the end of 2001.

It is common knowledge that, with the right amount of cash, any type of degree can be bought in the United States of America, and from Oluwole Street, Lagos. Indeed, some illegal certificates-printing enterprises overseas, particularly in the US of A, make their certificates available, at short notice, to any willing Nigerian with the right price. Meanwhile, the governor’s aides will not allow us rest without letting us know that their beloved governor is now a bogus PhD holder. In Creek Haven, Government House, Yenagoa, and beyond, for sycophants, praise-singers, fair weather friends, and cronies who may require one favour or the other from him, it has now become politically correct and expedient to address the governor as, Chief (Dr.) D.S.P. Alamieyeseigha (PhD; JP). However, the bogus suffix continues to be comic relief worldwide. Certainly, that bogus degree of first citizen Chief (Squadron Leader) D.S.P. Alamieyeseigha (JP) will provide his political opponents sufficient ammunition as the 2003 gubernatorial election gets nearer and nearer.

According to (questionable) official records, Chief (Squadron Leader) D.S.P. Alamieyeseigha (JP), the Executive Governor, and first citizen of Bayelsa State, will be 50 years old on Saturday, 16 November 2002. He shares the same birthday with Zik of Africa. Alamieyeseigha, we are told, "voluntarily" retired from the Nigerian Air Force as a Squadron Leader, equivalent in rank to a Major in the Nigerian Army, at the age of forty (40), in 1992. He attended Bishop Dimeari Grammar School, Yenagoa, where he obtained the West African School Certificate (WASC), at the tender age of fifteen (15), in 1967, despite the benign neglect of his"riverine" homeland by the Government of Eastern Nigeria, and despite the raging Civil War that indefinitely aborted all formal schooling activities there. He attended the Nigerian Defence Academy (NDA) in 1974, seven (7) good years after he completed his WASC! What exactly he did in those seven long years of post-WASC reverie is unknown.

In three (3) years flat, between his 32^nd and 35^th birthdays (i.e. 1984 ~ 1987), Chief (Squadron Leader) Alamieyeseigha was at the Rivers State University of Science and Technology, Port Harcourt, as an undergraduate, where, we are told, he obtained a first degree in Business Administration, a course whose minimum duration (that is, if strikes permit) is four (4) years! Thirteen (13) years after, the Bayelsa State Chief Executive successfully partially fulfilled some of the minimum requirements for the MBA on Saturday, 29 May 2000, some 366 days after he became the Executive Governor of Bayelsa State. He is yet to complete the MBA fully, and satisfactorily.

When did Chief (Squadron Leader) D.S.P. Alamieyeseigha (JP) acquire his bogus PhD, given that, when in 1999 he became the Governor of Bayelsa State, he was yet to complete a Master’s degree programme at the Rivers State University of Science and Technology, Port Harcourt? Where did the governor acquire the bogus PhD, and by what means? By NIPOST correspondence, or by e-mail, or by GSM? Part time or full time? Ordinary Level? Advanced Level? Executive Level? Gubernatorial Level?

An Internet search revealed that His Excellency, Chief (Squadron Leader) D.S.P. Alamieyeseigha (JP) was admitted in August 2001, as a bogus PhD candidate in one bogus University of Northern Washington, in the United States of America, some two (2) years into his tenure as an Executive Governor of a state of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, despite all the presidential cants and rants about the country’s image overseas. His student identification number was UNN-UK 2108PD130. His Excellency obtained the bogus doctorate degree in Strategic Management on Friday, 15 February 2002, barely six (6) months after his admission! According to the bogus certificate, which was signed by the bogus "Registrar" and bogus "President" of the bogus university, the Governor made bogus excellent grades in virtually all the bogus courses he took, also while governing one of the most volatile states in the Niger Delta. (How charmingly bogusly superhuman!)

As indicated on the bogus official transcript of the bogus University of Northern Washington, His Excellency, Chief (Squadron Leader) D.S.P. Alamieyeseigha made a bogus cumulative GPA of 3.66 as a bogus doctorate degree candidate! The bogus courses he took, we are further informed, included such earth-shatteringly esoteric, and bogus subjects like "International Business", "Strategic Planning Models", "Managerial Leadership", "Creating Change in Organisations", "Basic Finance", "Organisation Behaviour", and. "Research Methods". Maybe, all those numerous trips overseas he makes are not necessarily in search of "foreign investors", but to create ample time for His Excellency to catch up with the stiff demands of his very intensive bogus PhD programme!

At any rate, the Special Adviser to the Governor on Political Affairs, who is also a key member of Governor Alamieyeseigha’s kitchen cabinet, that is to say, an official sycophant, has enlightened Nigerians that his governor’s desire for higher degrees goes a long way to prove his commitment and zeal in meeting the educational needs of the good people of Bayelsa State. (How wonderful, but unfortunately illogical!) According to the Special Adviser, "it takes only a man who loves knowledge to go to school. It is only a man who cherishes the benefits of education that can provide the environment and the requisite infrastructural facilities for his people. The best development that you can give to a man is a sound education. An educated man is an asset until he dies. … The giant strides of His Excellency, in the educational sector include the establishment of the Bayelsa State College of Arts and Science, the School of Nursing, and the Niger Delta University. These are testimonies of the Governor's love for education." Hear! Hear! But then, do all these also justify an inordinate pursuit of a bogus PhD? Bogus! Ha-ha-ha!

The circumstances surrounding the admission of the Executive Governor of Abia State, His Excellency, Orji Uzor Kalu, into the Abia State University is another slur on the already brutalised university system in Nigeria. Based on the transcript of His Excellency, Orji Uzor Kalu’s uncompleted first degree programme that he abandoned some eighteen (18) years ago at the University of Maiduguri (UNIMAID), Borno State, he, Orji Uzor Kalu, has been admitted into the Department of Government and Public Administration, Abia State University, Uturu, where he is also the Visitor! (This is insane and incestuous!)

From what has transpired so far, there seems to be a conspiracy to subvert the admission procedure of Abia State University. Inter-university transfer regulations stipulate that such students must spend a minimum of three (3) years in the university to obtain a degree. Furthermore, the Academic Regulations of Abia State University stipulate that students, who leave university for more than three (3) years will lose all previous credits, if they wish to be readmitted into the university. Meanwhile, His Excellency, Orji Uzor Kalu truncated his first degree programme at UNIMAID some eighteen (18) solid years ago! His Excellency, Orji Uzor Kalu’s "transcript", with which he was admitted, indicates that two courses prevented him from obtaining a first degree at UNIMAID. In fact, His Excellency, who was admitted in November 2001, hinted only recently that he would complete his degree programme soonest, by the special grace of God Almighty. In effect, His Excellency will spend less than one academic session to obtain a degree, to be presented at a convocation ceremony, in which he will also preside as the Visitor. How brilliant! God-sent strategist! Messiah Gburugburu God’s Own State! Original fake Harvard postgraduate! Na you, biko!

That the Executive Governor of Abia State, His Excellency, Orji Uzor Kalu, like any other Nigerian, has the right to higher education is not in doubt. However, a situation whereby he is admitted under dubious circumstances, into an Abia State-funded university, whose Visitor he is, with the power to hire and fire the Vice Chancellor, is indeed a very sick joke. Paradoxically, the National Universities Commission (NUC) is pleasantly blasé about the matter, which has dragged the Nigerian university system into further ridicule.

Given the quantum of knowledge required today to benefit from technological advances, and to compete in the global business environment, Nigeria must radically improve its level of basic education in the next decade to achieve its national development potentials.

The World Bank has suggested a partnership between all education stakeholders: governments, parents, teachers, students, and the private sector. Such cooperation should be strengthened by increased interaction. A nation’s educational system cannot be divorced from its political and economic structures. The current low literacy level has placed Nigeria below "the minimum historic threshold" for achieving sustained growth: This is ominous. And so, we must design, develop, and operate an educational system in Nigeria, which can adapt to rapid global changes, in order to enhance our competitiveness in a knowledge-based world economy effectively. This goes way beyond the usual faulty conceptualisation and noisy sloganeering that witnessed Obasanjo’s past failed national educational policies like "6-3-34", or "UPE", or UBE".