Metathesis

Metathesis- An excursion into the realm of political economics.

I know it sounds crazy but I am beginning to long for a military regime. Why? Because then I knew there would be no human rights, the economy would be mismanaged and the public purse looted, but at least I knew how much of this mal administration I would be forced to swallow, and how long I would be forced to swallow it, that is, until the next military step aside.

Aremu will be the next president and that is how it should be. Don’t ask me how many states or zones he would win in the 2003 election. Go over my last sentence. I said, he would be the next president not that he would win the next election. He should not be judged on merit and performance. The Nigerian economy is too complicated to be well managed, full stop. But do we really have an economy? In a society where the simple economic theory of supply and demand is jettisoned and you are left with Aremu handling all production and consumption matters. We should really thank our stars that he is a polygamist. [Now, that we have mentioned it, I sincerely do think that Aremu does not like the Eboes. If he disagrees, let him show us his Eboe wife] If not, our economy would really be in ruins.

I hear the Eboes are beginning to dream bad dreams. An Eboe presidency in the present dispensation? Yes.... That is what it would be. A very bad dream. This would be the greatest miscalculation the Eboe race could ever make, since Ironsi went gallivanting to Ibadan with Northern bodyguards. Shamgar and Mai Shinkafa canoodling in Eboe land. At the same time, Obi which is Ibo spelt backwards was being flogged in Kano. Coincidence? Nah…. When would the Eboes ever learn that in politics, symbolisms matter? Ukpabi Asika once said 'that general amnesty is not general amnesia', he might have used that sentence for a different purpose, but the dilemma of the Eboes is, they know the difference between amnesia and magnesia, which is, the person who has the former does not know where he is going. Prof. Eni Njoku, where are you when we need you most! Ehhn...who gave you permission to die?

Now that I am on the subject of the Eboes, if the Oputa Panel sitting in Port Harcourt ends with no Eboe man submitting a petition for an 'abandoned property', that would really piss me off.

Poor Saro Wiwa, Okuntimo was right. He invited soldiers into Ogoni land, but that was in 1967. Twenty years later, he wanted them out, but who is a fool? If the soldiers leave, Nigeria would become so poor that its poverty index would be impossible to calculate. Why can’t the oil wealth of Nigeria be put to use in Ogoni land? Corruption? No. The oil business thrives only in a dictatorship. It is a business that can only be run efficiently in the hands of a few men because only a few can make sure that the price is right. Nature has taught us that there are really two ways to obtain something. Either agree on a price or take it by locking horns. I read somewhere that Shell is getting into some arrangement with the Ogonis before lifting oil? I thought oil wealth was an exclusive preserve of the Federal government of the Yorubas and Hausas, but you live, you learn. Look, who is complaining? The Ogonis and the Ijaws are very lucky people. Right now, any bad thing that could possibly happen to a people have already happened to them. Nigeria was created by God, but someone has to pay for it. And even if we can’t, there is the World Bank.

Now, what exactly is the World Bank? It is an organization financed by the US, Japan and other rich nations to lend money to poor countries. They charge about 30% interest rate on the loan and don’t particularly care what you do with the money. The idea is to get you to borrow more than what your country could ever produce to pay off the debt. And when you default, the International Monetary Fund [IMF] takes over. That is, after you have borrowed your self into trouble with other regular institutions like the World Bank, you then qualify for an IMF loan. Their conditions are very simple. The recipient country has to operate a free market economy and stop printing more money?

In my youth there were words like uncountable, but now billions are common place in our national budget. Very soon we would be talking of trillions which is just a good way of saying inflation. It goes to show that this government is costing a lot to run but who has a cheaper system on offer? Talking of inflation, the truth is, I don’t really know what it means so it cannot disturb me. It is just another way of saying, too little, for too many, for too much. Okay, I am just as confused as the next person. Yet, you and I know, that the new two hundred naira notes being introduced by Aremu is a bad omen. One, more ritual killings are taking place enough to warrant a state government calling a meeting of babalawos., and two, knowing the Nigerian dislike for statistics and censuses, the total amount of notes printed would not be known. Do you stop to wonder why Rimi and Dasuki were made the Head and Director of the National Mint respectively. This does not have a religious connotation, but, where does that leave us?

We now have to turn to the Chinese to build our railroads, that could only travel in one direction. Let me make certain things clear, I do not have anything against the Chinese, or, the Japanese Premier that has just visited us. They believe we are inferior to them but so does any other person who is not dark complexioned. We actually do have something in common with the Chinese. When was a free and fair election held in China and have you ever heard of a Chinese government fulfilling a promise or the Chinese protesting and wanting a change in government? One thing Nigerians could learn from the Chinese though is patience. They could wait for a thousand years for a good government to come around. The Japanese are a different kettle of fish. Very polite and proper. All they do is make sure that you cannot force them to buy your goods and they manufacture all products under the sun and sell at the cheapest rate, which means that the balance of trade would always be in their favor. We differ very much from the Japanese in that the whole cabinet of Ministers can resign at a moments notice and a resigning Japanese Prime Minister is as commonplace as a road accident involving senior government officials in Nigeria.

I would say and say it again, all the present government has to do to keep us happy and improve the economy is in one word….nothing. Collect payments and royalties from the sale of oil then distribute... simple. The problem this government has, is trying to spend other people’s money on other people, and that is why we have them building a stadium by the Chinese in the midst of grinding poverty.

Just in case you were wondering, metathesis is a Chinese word meaning slip of the Tong.

The writer is a New York based cabbie.