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What is it with all these monkey proverbs flying around? Once upon a time, a wise saying began and ended with a tortoise. Now, we are hearing of ‘monkey go London he come back with tail’. Since we are on apes, have you heard of that one…softly, softly catch monkey……okay here’s the story- when you want to catch a monkey, you first get hold of a coconut, make a small hole and clean out the inner pulp, leave a little of the seed inside, when a monkey comes around, he puts his paw into the pod and grabs the ‘oily’ seed. The monkey has two choices: open his palm, let go of the seed and pull out his hand and escape or grab the seed and get stuck with his fist balled an unable to pull out of the hole you made…..Softly, softly catch monkey. Don’t forget to tie the coconut pod to the ground.

While we were busy shouting down IBB, [could someone find out just for the record, how exactly IBB has defined his self or personal interest and if it coincides with that of the north?] do you realize that the president, IBB and the Arewa Consultative Forum [ACF] co-sponsored gave an interview to the Newswatch Magazine recently? See, I told you so. This ACF anointed knows the problem with Nigeria. It is the answer that is evading him. He has promised us reasonably uninterrupted power supply of electricity by the end of next year. As the monkey would say, it does not matter whether the problem is in the head or tail, spoilt fish is spoilt fish, although a smart monkey would check the gills first.

The Presidential Advisory Committee set up by the ACF sponsored government to provide an economic blueprint for Nigeria 'did not do a proper job'. I wonder who appointed them? Ye ye people, who only understood elementary economics. Sure, we need power for the economy to run. Even a cab driver knows, that you have to put fuel in your car to be able to work! Talking of fuel, the Reps want to probe NNPC which is their function but, the ACF anointed is suggesting that they shine a battery operated searchlight on themselves first. In other words, do not trust the NNPC generated electricity, because ‘it is totally bad, or totally good’. What another Egba icon described as ‘e go bright gan, then he go bright small’ For those of you who are still searching for this regime’s economic policy, go see a doctor. You might be suffering from sleeping sickness or cerebral malaria. Maybe, by the time you wake up, you would not only see, but you would understand its policy. Please, do not hope to feel the impact of the policy, because it is called juju economics and costs a lot of ori iseku! …..Gorilla, wey come from bush, he enter Lagos go for bus, he miss road…Egba soroye.

Let it heretofore, be accepted that the ACF anointed has no problem with the National Assembly. But, if it so happens that they agree to probe themselves as it happened in the Senate, then we could safely assume that, the relationship with the House would go ‘reasonably well’. Why do I always end up with the short end of things? Poor NaAbba, his traditional ruler went to appeal to the ACF man to spare a citizen of his territory. Me, ever since Henshaw had proclaimed ‘don’t call me Obong of Calabar’ I have nobody fighting my cause. What exactly went on between this Egba farmer and the Kano supplier that they are not willing to talk about? NaAbba had said that, the farmer was owing lots of people but he got paid first. How and why? Remember what the baboon said…the joy of being poor is that you never quarrel with the gorilla, but the youth of today, they think that wealth is health.

Videos and the history of Nigeria. Never it be said that we are not inventive. The history of our country will never be complete without a video offering. The video of Saro Wiwa’s hanging taken by Colonel Komo who flew it first class to Abuja. The same Komo, whom Odili, the now civilian governor invited back to Port Harcourt and got poor Ogoni villagers to dance for. [No wonder, the spell check in the computer keeps changing Ogoni to Agony] The same Odili, who was allegedly seen on video offering bribe to national assembly members. Videos….like the one of Diya allegedly confessing to a phantom coup which he was busy drafting a 'take over' speech for., or, the one showing IBB allegedly plotting against Obasanjo. Who is sponsoring NaAbba? because after the amateurish stake out at the home of the liaison officer, the sudden appearance of a new video points to a professional job. Much ado about nothing…..the anti Corruption Act, does not cover, bribery by the executives. If you think it does then ‘your language of English is different from mine’. But, how many people could have the opportunity to videotape a meeting inside Aso Rock? As the monkey would say…..the national security adviser should know!

‘I did not practically give any money during the campaign’, but when pressure was mounting the ACF anointed knew that money had to come from somewhere. All he asked was that, the money had to be purified before being put into his election bid. What the western world calls laundering. Those of you who where not happy with the defense put up by Shagari during his corruption trial, that he was upstairs while the deal was going down should re read that monkey maxim-see no evil, hear no evil, therefore, know no evil….. Since both presidents never handled money! God is their witness.

Wetin concern monkey with satellite technology? British, alongside 12 Nigerians engineers will design, manufacture, test, supply, launch and commission the mini satellites…. How many satellites in all? Are the 12 Nigerians from the six geographical zones? Who are they, and where were they trained? Where would this project be sited? Are these 12 Nigerians working for the British government, the satellite company, or, the Nigerian government? I know Turner Isoun. He is a decent human being. I also know that he is homeless. His house at Odi was burnt down by you know who. I know when he was appointed minister. There is no way in hell, he could have originated this satellite deal. The total cost is 25 million pounds, the British would put in 4.5 million, so Nigeria puts in 20 million from the Abacha money[?] since the British are dragging their feet over refunds. Was this project tendered in a competitive bid? I think, I know the white man, there is no way in heaven they would give you 5 million pounds for nothing. How many satellites have this Survey Satellite Technology Limited launched in the last 5 years? Would this satellite station need electricity and telephones? Would it need turn around maintenance? Good luck to you all. We have been told that the satellite is to detect disasters and offer communication links. Ha ha ha…I know, this satellite is meant to count the Muslim north but I leave it to them to fight their battle. The monkey knows that anything that flies by night and could count your children must be witchcraft. Why are we getting caught over sheep, goats and cattle, voting. The number of sheep and goats voting in an election is not important. It is the monkey that counts the vote, that determines the outcome! and as for disasters, since when did we start caring? Our disasters are man made and we don’t need satellites to detect them. For example, the Arewa Forum sat down in their round mud hut bedrooms and thought Aremu was the best material. All pleas, entreaties and threats from my Yoruba cousins did not deter them. They foisted this man on us, only to wake up 18 months later to shout marginalisation …monkey say, who is fooling who?

Sidi Alli, the iconoclast from Kano has been humiliated because the OPC killed northerners in Lagos. Sidi is not really affected by the death, but it is the humiliation he cannot stomach and wants revenge. So, all these while southerners have been killed in the north it was just a form of humiliation. The displaying of Akaluka’s head was to drive the point home to the Eboes. Good. It is a game called double bluff, who wants Nigeria more? Every place na home so far as rain no dey beat you. You guessed right. Its another monkey saying. Don’t believe every thing the monkey says though. In as much we insist on forging a country from disparate parts, be ready to pay the price. As the monkey once asked the sheep, how come all of you graze together and run in the same direction when threatened, without any attempt to seek cover? The sheep replied…sooner or later the hyena would eat somebody., if there are many of us around, chances are, that, it wouldn’t be me.

Finally, ‘if you are the head of an organization and the organization is riddled with corruption, there is no way that smear would not touch you either by association or by participation’ Who is the head of One Nigeria., Inc.? In a country where the police has a mind of its own and is not used to interpret the dreams of the president, there is too much monkey business going on, so do not ask stupid questions. Remember, one day monkey go go market, he no go return.

Orok Edem