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Nigerianese For Mumu:"South-South" As An Oxymoronic Substitute For "Niger Delta" By Port Harcourt, Nigeria
Preliminary Definition Of Terms With Some Minor Digressions: (pronounced, nài-jé-ryà-néz) is a neologism for "Nigerian English". Nigerianese is to the Federal Republic of Nigeria what American English is to the United States of America.A neologism is a new word or phrase that is coined from existing or non-existing words (e.g. "acid rain", "aromatherapy", "anti-virus", "Area Boys", " "cyberspace", "euro", "naira", "IMF conditionality", "election de-annulment", "e-business", "globalisation", "smart bombs", "privatisation", "419", "pro-life", "user-friendly", "walkman", and "yuppie"). Indeed, neologisms are often oxymoronic.
Mumu (promounced, mùù-múú) is a noun whose plural form is mumu. It means "a moron", idiot, fool, or imbecile" in Rotten English. Alternative words for mumu are múgù and Sùègbè. Mumu is derived from the onomatopoeic expression for the sounds made by goats, sheep and cows (i.e. "moo, moo"), traditionally assumed in the Niger Delta to be the stupidest domestic animals, south of the Sahara Desert. Fools are figuratively referred to as goats, or sheep, or cows or simply mumu. In other words, the sub-title of this presentation, in classical Queen’s English, is, "Nigerianese for Morons"! Oxymoron (pronounced, äk-si-'mOrän) is a noun whose plural form is oxymora. An Oxymoron is a figure of speech that means "a combination of contradictory or incongruous words". It is derived from the Greek for, "pointedly foolish". Oxymoronic is the adjective, while oxymoronically is the adverb. Examples of oxymora include phrases like, "alcohol-free", "agree to disagree", "safe sex", "active retirement", "affordable luxury", "cable TV", "cultism", "debt servicing", "full-blown AIDS", "graduate student", "half naked", "height of depravity", "rock music", "quiet storm", "randomly selected", "recent past", "really fake", "ground floor", "reasonable demands", "cautious optimism", "graphic language", "gene therapy", "conspicuously absent", "half dead", "real-time computing", "working vacation", "press release", "virgin birth", "open secret", "non-alcoholic beer", "near miss", "tears of joy", "voice-mail, and "zero tolerance". Typically, an oxymoron stars off as jargon, then assumes the identity of a neologism, and finally matures as a fully accepted oxymoron in its own right.
Background To The Gist Of The Matter: In the process of preparing this piece, the uniqueness, indeed, the indisputable pre-eminence of the term " South-South" as the mother of all Nigerian oxymora, was glaring enough for us to revise both the context and scope of this presentation completely. The reasons will become self-evident as we proceed.For a start, the preferred nomenclature for the six (6) so-called geo-political zones in Nigeria is rather unimaginative, simplistic, seemingly deliberately mischievous, and palpably oxymoronic. Who really chose and/or approved the names of those so-called geo-political zones of Nigeria? Why was there no legislative action or/and a national referendum on the desirability (or otherwise) of the labelling of the imposed zones? Why impose such clearly geographic/cartographic labels as, "North-West", "North-East", "North Central", "South-West", and "South-East" on Nigerians all over again, as if by military fiat, in a supposedly democratic setting? Moreover, what exactly does "South-South" really mean? South of South? South of the south of the Upper segment of Rivers Niger and Benue? South of Southern Nigeria? Maybe, in the Bights of Benin and Bonny [formerly Bight of Biafra, which had nothing to do with the new further hinterland Republic of Biafra of the mind]. South of what? South of Southern Northern Nigeria? Who the hell invented that demonstrably moronic (mumuic) oxymoron and neologism called "South-South"? For Christ’s sake, we need to know: mumu, moron, or genius. The concept of six geopolitical zones in decision-making, especially in governance and political geography in Nigeria, was formalised in the 4th Republic, under General (Chief) Olusegun Obasanjo (rtd). Just like when the then Lieutenant Colonel, later General, now General (Dr.) Yakubu Gowon (rtd) hurriedly created 12 states in 1967, and unilaterally gave most of them names that more or less made Nigeria really look or sound like a mere geographic expression of compass points, with names like, "Western", "South-Eastern", "Mid-West", "East Central", "North-Eastern", "North-Western", we are now saddled with six (6) so-called geo-political zones labelled like geographic coordinates, by quasi-military unilateral civilian fiat. Of all the six compass point-likes-sounding names of the so-called geo-political zones, the term "South-South" is most trite and in fact, most frivolous. "North Central" comes next in line. The reasons are too obvious: There is nothing in strict geographic terms like "South-South". Moreover, the "North Central" zone is definitely not in the centre of Northern Nigeria, no matter how far we may wish to stretch the elasticity our imagination! Rather coincidentally, those two strangely labelled so-called geo-political zones are ethnically diverse, and are customarily designated as the "minorities" of the Nigerian Federation. In order to relieve the tremendous heat that is unmistakably building up in our argument, a major digression is definitely mandatory at this point:
A Lexicon Of Nigerian Political Oxymora: Below are some political oxymora and neologisms that are in common use in contemporary Nigeria. Their true meanings are supplied, complete with related hyperlinks:2003: A very loyal, soft-spoken, and professional infantry soldier of the Nigerian Army under General Olusegun Obasanjo’s command in the late 1970s. He was the Brigade Commander of the 2nd Amphibious Brigade, Port Harcourt, during Brigadier, then Lt. General, then General Olu Obasanjo’s regime, He was later appointed a GOC, then Chief of Army Staff, then the combined Chief of Defence Staff/Minister of Defence under IBB, and finally Head of State and Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. Abacha is on record as being the first only Nigerian military Head of State to have attained the rank of a four-star General without ever skipping a rank, or by self-promotion. Unpalatable as it might sound (or rather, taste) to persons afflicted with selective amnesia, General Sani Abacha was actually begged by certain patriotic pro-democracy praise-singers, some of them even from the South West, , including the unsure winner of the 1993 presidential elections, to rescue Nigeria from the brink of catastrophe following "June 12". He prophetically and summarily declared "June 12" dead on assumption of office, without delay. Praised and ego-massaged to high ecstasy by most serving Abuja politicians, cajoled and eventually unanimously anointed as their darling consensus Presidential candidate by every single serving or former "Party Leader" and "Party Chairman", including the present day "Mr. Fix It" and the immediate past Chairman of the PDP, General Sani Abacha has been persistently vilified very venomously by "Aso Rock", his former pro-democracy friends, the International Community, and eminent Nigerians alike, since his death. General Abacha’s valid argument was that, draconian as the rules of engagement of his Special Military Tribunals for trying real, imagined, suspected, failed or phantom coup plotters may have appeared to have been, the rules and procedures were actually in strict compliance with the very rules conceived designed and meticulously implemented by his former boss and master, General Olusegun Obasanjo (rtd). To his eternal credit, though he had the privilege and justification, just like his former bosses did, to execute all identified enemies of the Nigerian state summarily, as duly advised by security reports, he never did. Maybe, there is more to this fellow than "Aso Rock" would allow Nigerians to think and decide for themselves objectively. Perhaps, we may have to seek God’s intervention, yet again, on this matter.
Abacha Loot: Conservatively estimated by "Aso Rock" at approximately 300,000,000,000,000,000,000 Ghana-Must-Go bags of crisp mint-quality 500 naira notes in equivalent US dollars, Japanese Yen, EU euros, and British Pounds Stirling denominations. Abacha Loot has become a very convenient smoke screen for diverting public attention from similar or worse incursions into the Nigerian Treasury by other living looters, past and on-going. Nigerians do not seem to know any further details about the precise quantum of the principal amounts of Abacha Loot recovered to date, including accompanying interests accrued so far, beyond the sporadic official distractions about Abacha Loot, and various other hypocritical anti-corruption jokes noisily cracked on pages of newspapers and TV sets worldwide. Also, see "Loot" and "Incumbency Factor".The politics of self-immortalisation based on consensus sycophancy, courtesy calls to Aso Rock and solidarity visits by Governors, Ministers, politicians of timber and calibre, Women’s Leaders, Traditional Prime Ministers, Royal Fathers of diverse ethnic nationalities, and core investors. Characterised by copious sloganeering, well-built canopies, merry-making, stage-managed clarion calls, visiting Consulting Spiritualists, reclusive and kampé-assisted meditations, coupled with a firm but ambiguous denial of any "hidden agenda" , or to capitalise on the advantages of incumbency factor, as was recently observed at the chance gathering of over 66% of the elite of Nigeria at the Ota subsidiary of Obasanjo Farms Nigeria Ltd (OFN), to the affable surprise of the anxiously waiting chief host. Abuja: See Aso Rock.: Unrepentant new-breed prodigal misrepresentatives of diverse political constituencies nationwide and several old-breed disciples of Abacha politics, now resident in Abuja, and fanatically committed to the brainwaves of "Aso Rock". Also, see "GMG"., "Courtesy Calls", "Dividends Of Democracy" The Presidency and/or the official habitat of the Head of State of Nigeria, effortlessly invoked by "Abuja Politicians", name-droppers and 419ers.The world GSM network connectivity exchange centre for direct calls to Heaven. (N.B.: It is not a cave dwelling).
ASUU: A bunch of irresponsible nymphomaniac Nigerian university lecturers, whose debauchery deeply offends the moral fibre of "Aso Rock". Meanwhile, Nigerians do not know any thing about the many women, both young and mature, that pray daily in the master bedroom of the "Villa".A state in the Niger Delta to which the gallant patriotic troops of the Nigerian Army annexed Odi after a successful punitive expedition overseas. Bayelsans are often mistaken for "Riversmen" and vice versa. Also, see "Federal Might". : A very useful opportunity for rubbing minds with political and business associates, usually followed by the scribbling of tons of standard clichés that invariably end with a prayer for God to grant the survivors of the dead, "the fortitude to bear the irreparable loss". A world-renowned risk management expert that buys-out failed businesses in very corrupt and economically comatose 3rd World countries. Probably, a non-Nigerian 419er with "Abuja" connections.
Core North: Hausa-Fulani. (N.B.: There is no "Core South" yet). Also, see "South-South"A routine act of benign sycophancy involving "fruitful" monologues, with the ultimate objective of extracting "dividends of democracy". Also, see "Abuja Politicians", "Women’s Leaders", "Traditional Prime Ministers", "Core Investors", "Foreign Investors", and "GMG", The reward for partisan allegiance. Patronage based on political affinity. An absolutely crucial air travel-intensive diplomatic strategy for attracting "core investors" and "foreign investors" to buy-out privatised failed Nigerian businesses that were nationalised, in the first place, some 25 years ago by "Abuja" in Lagos. This requires at least 10 working days per month of "Abuja’s" physical presence in "the international community". A misnomer for "nationality". Approximately two hundred and fifty (250) ethnic nationalities, equal one (1) Nigeria. The intimidating capacity of central government in Nigeria. Also, see "Abuja", "Ogonis", and "Odi". Certified morons, failed American, European, and Asian businesspersons desperate enough to still want to risk their life savings. Probably international 419ers looking for "joint venture opportunities" in Nigeria, with a little help from top players inside "Aso Rock". A mythical conclave of leaders of the dominant ethnic nationalities of Nigeria some of whom were actually not really keen about challenging British colonial rule in Nigeria, or even bothered about the urgency of independence. Some colluded with the British Colonial Office to rig the Independence elections that ushered in the 1st Republic. Essentially, homogeneous tribal enclaves except for the "South-South" and the "North Central" zones which are thoroughly heterogeneous. Also, see "Hidden Agenda"
Ghana Must Go (Gmg): A bribe or egunje of gargantuan proportions befitting the receiver’s "honourable" or "distinguished" status. (N.B.: Egunje is especially reserved for loyal and disciplined non-striking policemen). Egunje means "cola" (Cost Of Living Allowance) in Rotten English.
God: The father of the reluctant Messiah of Aso Rock. Exclusively responsible for the installation of Nigerian Presidents since the virtual end of the era of military misrule.
Hidden Agenda: A predetermined set of dangerous policies routinely imposed with impunity on Nigerians by their rulers, usually with "an element of surprise". Same as "open secret". Also, see "The Era of Military Misrule".
IBB: Alias General Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida (rtd) disrespectfully referred to by bloody civilians as the Diego Maradona of Nigerian military politics. Expert practitioner of the military science of the management of violence and political re-engineering. Sponsor and chaperon of both "June 12", and the nascent democracy that ushered in the Nigerian 4th Republic. A bosom friend and the Chief mourner of Abacha. The founding father of the "Hidden Agenda" Theory of governance and practical GMG settlement methodology.
Incumbency Factor: The potential for brazenly actualising self-succession, by subtle or overt rigging of elections, state-sponsored terrorism, and the mismanagement of public resources. Also, see "GMG"and "Hidden Agenda", "Abacha Politics", and "2003" Anywhere outside Nigeria, but preferably in exotic parts of the world, very likely outside Africa. Also, see "Economic Diplomacy" Formal conferment of (usually negotiated) worthless chieftaincy titles. A day when assumed presidential elections took place in Nigeria in1993, the assumed results of which were assumed to have been in the assumed favour of an assumed winner, who is confirmed dead, just like "June 12". A transcendental state of blissful ignorance, induced by well-publicised fasting, prayers, and copious bouts of early morning pre-prayers womanisation with "Women’s Leaders" and cabinet Ministers, in complete and unquestioning submission to the will of All Mighty God. General Abacha preferred imported Indian Women Leaders to kampé "Aso Rock" is more patriotic.
Loot: A fringe benefit derived from incumbency factor at any point in Nigerian history to date.
Moral Support: Massive infusion of financial and material assistance, at the very last minute of need. Also, see "Women’s Leaders". Very similar to the" Family Support" of Abacha Politics, and the esprit de corps of retired senior Generals in the 1999 general elections in Nigeria. Also, see "GMG". A transitional diarchic contraption conceived and carefully designed by ex-soldiers, mentored by ex-soldiers, financially sustained by ex-soldiers, and operated mainly by ex-soldiers, for the benefit of ex-soldiers and all other patriotic Nigerians who also believe in the possibility of the fairness and freeness of a future presidential election that will allow only two Kalabari candidates, with one candidate representing two (2) parties at a time, and for both to run exclusively for the post of President and Commander-in-Chief of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, all for the sake of appeasing the hurt and dangerously angry feelings of the Ijaw ethnic nationality. Also see "Dividends of Democracy", "GMG", "June 12, "Niger Delta", "Odi", Oil-bearing Communities", "Party Leader", "Poverty Alleviation", "Realignment of Forces", "Restive Youths Of The Niger Delta", "South-South", "Women’s Leader", A major delta of the world, located at the immediate vicinity of the mouth of the River Niger. It is now used to refer to any part of Nigeria that is "oil-bearing". Hopefully, very soon, the Chad Basin will also be part of this ever-expanding Niger Delta. Also, see, the "restive youths of the Niger Delta" and "South-South" The former Middle Belt still located mid-way between Northern Nigeria and Southern Nigeria. It is in the central region of Nigeria not in the centre of Northern Nigeria! 21st century Kanem-Borno Empire. 21st century Sokoto Sultanate. A Cameroonian village beyond Bakassi, as per reliable security reports, used for training Ogonis and Bakassi terrorists, but recently pacified, liberated, and patriotically annexed to Bayelsa State by the gallant Federal troops. Unduly radical Southern (so-called) ethnic elements. Security reports show very clearly that they are the terrorist wing of the restive youths of the Niger Delta, possibly from Oloibiri, Bori, Yenagoa, Emohua, Eleme, Rumuechem, Abonnema, or Bonny. In fact, all citizens of Rivers and Bayelsa States are actually Ogonis. Also, see "Federal Might" An "Aso Rock" misnomer (probably occasioned by very selective Alzheimer Syndrome) for the oil producing areas of Nigeria, mainly in the Niger Delta region, marginally so in the South-East, and characterised by abject poverty, despoliation, and near-zero development. Although there is an abundance of bitumen in Ondo State, Nigerian Refineries have stubbornly and unpatriotically refused to use Ondo bitumen for producing cooking gas, petrol, kerosene, or even diesel oil. Also see "restive youths of the Niger Delta"
Orders from Above: Infallible commands from " Abuja" or "Aso Rock", meaning "by the special powers conferred by God"Party Leader: An extra-constitutional arrangement for rendering the powers and relevance of the Party Chairman redundant.
Political Re-Engineering: Fiddling with the due processes of transparency and good governance, culminating in political disorder. The aggravation of acute poverty by other less obvious means. Very similar to the" Family Support Programme" of General Sani Abacha. Also, see "Abacha Politics" Political fair-weatherism (opportunism). Same as "carpet crossing".
Restive youths of the Niger Delta: These exclude youths of Cross River, Ondo, Edo, Imo, and Abia States, all equal members of the Niger Delta Development Commission (NDDC).
Riverine: A meaningless word in standard non-Nigerian (BBC and Queen’s) English, relating to certain God-forsaken development-allergic and desolate mangrove swamps and marshy coastal terrains, typically infested with very beautiful female water spirits of Miss World quality, and their few perpetually drunken male fishermen lovers.Any Nigerian (or non-Nigerian, for that matter) that is brave enough to sleep overnight in Port Harcourt (Garden City), and fanatically believes in the theory of "Unity in Heterogeneity", the indivisibility of federations (especially Nigeria), and the principle of equitable sharing of the dividends of democracy and other goodies from their immediate environment, in the true spirit of Nigerian brotherhood. He is not necessarily a citizen of Rivers State or even of Nigeria. Unlike his counterpart in Bayelsa State, the young "Riversman" is not a restive youth, even though he too lives in the Niger Delta. A "Riversman" can also be a woman as the occasion demands. The lingua franca of the Niger Delta. Very similar to Cameroonian Broken Anglaise, Sierra Leonean Creole, and Ghanaian Pidgin. It has nothing in common with BBC’s Queens English or VOA’s Special English. For the records, Rotten English was popularised and indeed internationalised by an Ogoni called, called Ken Saro-Wiwa, in a novel called "Soza Boy". Ken Saro-Wiwa was hounded to death firstly by IBB, and finally by Abacha. Subsequent to the judicial murder of Ken Saro-Wiwa and 8 others, Nigeria was expelled from the Commonwealth. The BBC made the announcement of Nigeria’s expulsion from the Commonwealth in perfect Queen’s English. Ethnic super-heroes; some of questionable ancestry, others childless. Regular visitors to "Aso Rock", and dependable allies of all tiers of government in moments of crisis. Masters of condolence visits. Sole administrators of "Installation" ceremonies. Very fluent speakers of Rotten English. Igboland, formerly the "East", then "East Central" (when the present Cross River and Akwa Ibom States were the "South Eastern") State. A non-existent coordinate in standard cartographic nomenclature, but now freely used in lieu of "Niger Delta Region". Probably the "Core South". Also see "restive youths of the Niger Delta" Yorubaland, formally the "West" (without the former Mid-West Region), then "Western State" plus and the former British Colony of Lagos (now Lagos State). The sole beneficiaries of the dividends of "June 12"
Sovereign National Conference: An instrument of political blackmail, designed to upset any incumbent President of Nigeria. An idea usually favoured by non-incumbent elder statesmen.All past military regimes in Nigeria between January 15, 1966, and May 29, 1999, but excluding the period between July 29, 1975, and October 1, 1979, for reasons of incumbency factor. A culturally correct confidence trickster and livewire of all manner of ceremonies. Aptly equipped with GMG bags and famished praise-yellers at such functions. A Rotten English colloquialism that is currently in vogue in Port Harcourt metropolis. It means, "village", as in: "I wan’ go my villa for weekend attend the "burial ceremony" and condolence visit of one of my papa former "boy-boy" wey been be our Traditional Prime Minister and honourable member for Abuja Assembly before ‘e die. Also, see "Aso Rock" A political prostitute with sufficient Machiavellian proclivities to survive the shark-infested sea of male-dominate politics in Nigeria. She represents a major concession to women in Nigerian politics, in lieu of active and meaningful engagement. Primary duties and responsibilities are narrowed down to only praise-singing and dancing, in exchange for "moral support".
Now that we are effectively equipped with the basic survival tools for safely navigating the stormy seas of Nigerianese (and Nigerian oxymora), we will proceed to the gist of the matter in a separate presentation to follow soon.References: Kirkpatrick, E.M. (Editor): "Chambers 20th Century Dictionary"; W & R Chambers Ltd, Edinburgh, UK; New Edition ( 1987)Tulluch, S. (Editor): "The Oxford Dictionary Of New Words: A Popular Guide To Words In The News"; Oxford University Press, Oxford, UK; (1992).
April 2002
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