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Of touts and stalwarts By
Nigerian political parties are always made up of a small united group working against the interest of a divided majority. To benefit from this chaotic situation you must join the ruling party. For those of you who are thinking of taking active part in Nigerian politics, there are five groups of party cadre in Nigeria’s political party system. Top notcher, stalwart, ordinary member, tout and thug.
A top notcher is someone who must have had some experience in militics or been in a prior government, a stalwart is an up and coming operative with potentials. Ordinary member, is a class reserved for pensioners, who have to show their card to prove that they belong. A tout who goes around shopping for votes is slightly above a thug, who though never speak about their actions, their actions speak for themselves, a thug of course is something else. Could someone please find out how many thugs are in Odili’s camp, if any.
At the recently concluded presidential visit to Calabar, they were all on display. Top notchers, stalwarts, members, touts, thugs and of course the ubiquitous undercover security operatives hiding out naked in plain sight. My cousin told me that on the eve of the visit, IBB’s poster adorned most of the popular roundabouts in the town, the next day, they were all torn down and most of the roundabouts were occupied by naked mad men. As he had not seen such a coterie of madmen in Calabar before, he approached one of his reliable sources who confirmed that those men were not really mad but undercover agents of the state’s security service. According to him, when his source saw the puzzled look on his face. He proceeded to let him know that the naked two walking in tandem at the Mary Slessor roundabout were actually of the rank of captain. Well…
Did you notice how on the eve of the president’s visit to Bayelsa, there was an uncovered plot to kill him, same for Zamfara. I am sure if the president ever visits Benue another such plot would be uncovered. Has anybody ever wondered why the names of Tivs, Binis and Ijaws are very difficult to spell or pronounce?
Agbe lo laro, aluko lo l ‘osun’. In Yoruba folklore, aluko is capable of exceptional abilities, disseminating information and settling quarrels. Why would a bird like aluko pick a fight with an obstinate ewu? Everybody knows the ewu would never admit another person is right. Senility and otiose. Senility is the period in old age when one gets beyond being told that one is getting old. Otiose, I am still trying to dig out the meaning. But, why should I concern myself with these two, who know quite well that air in Nigeria is still free, but it now costs more to be able to breathe it. What else is new, sooner or later the ewu would get a divine revelation asking him to contest. Which of course he would accept and proceed to record a landslide victory. Would he last another full term? Not exactly. No matter how much you distrust aluko the bird, it must be said that the ewu has perfected the art of looking for problems, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable solutions. It is the will of God. I wonder what the Yorubas would do after the presidency moves north and back to the south for a period of sixteen years without their input. Ewu ne be akwa eee! Who remembers this 1966 song?
I was told that things are really looking up back home. The only complaint was the traffic situation which was likened to - organized chaos, deliberately fomented by touts and thugs to keep the masses looking over their shoulders. My suggestion is to make every street in Nigeria -a one way street- that way every citizen would at least know which direction he is going to be knocked down from. At the international airport, the fountain and the lifts worked, though you had ‘to salute the table’ before passing customs. The touts have disappeared from our airports and they are now being employed by the local governments, as part of the poverty alleviation program, call it democracy dividends.
But hey, didn’t I warn that it would get worse before it gets better. Now that we have just been compelled to join the ruling party or suffocate, be very careful when filling the application form, a placement in the wrong category could cost you an arm and a fortune. Remember you have to be a stalwart to be able to contest and you cannot contest unless you have set up your brigade of thugs. Anybody thinking of getting into the system should hurry home to start recruitment as good quality thugs are hard to come by, and one thing you could say for them, they are very loyal and are not wont to change sides like the stalwarts.
Don’t forget, insist on being listed as a stalwart for being regarded as an ordinary member carries with it some disadvantages. Being a stalwart makes you a man who knows that there is a bright side to everything and that in Nigerian politics, it’s the ‘inside’ that is brighter. Watch out for top notchers, they are always busy running around and have no time to be reliable.
Take my advice you eggheads and talking heads without grass root support, who sit far away mouthing platitudes and hare brained solutions. Keep quiet, stop wasting your energy. Leave the president alone. Remember heaven has blessed us with abundant food but it is the devil that is sending us the cooks. There is no way this man could do better with all the advice he is getting. I have it on full authority of my personal babalawo that it has been ordained that Nigeria’s political history has to be repeated for us to make headway.
When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way…..
December 2001
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