Strange happenings the devil and coconut

Strange happenings, the devil and coconut

It was recently announced that a plane crashed into the ocean on the outskirts of Lagos and 19 people died. There was no if / or, but, concerning the total number of deaths. Up till date, this crash has not been confirmed. This news coming immediately after the expose- 'An overcrowded Mars', by the one and only Aig Imoukhuede, who is known to have his ears to the ground, had me thinking. Could it be true that the Martians are fighting back? If yes, why take on the Nigerian coastline? Even our attempt to launch a satellite into space was done in far away Russia. I contacted a friend of mine whom I would describe as a former intelligence guru. He told me that in his former life, he would tie that crash to the coming of the North Koreans. That, it was a scud missile tested with the full knowledge of the Nigerian authorities that crashed into the sea. Where was the scud fired from? He couldn’t say. I then contacted Calabar to find out if Charles Taylor is still there, or if he had been moved? Could it have been an attempt to kidnap Charles the man Taylor? Who has heard from this man recently? Why approach Nigeria from Lagos? Maybe, it is the work of the devil, but then the Nigerian Rescue Team, insists that there is something in the water, and all the eyewitnesses could not just have made the story up. Personally, I will buy the devils' angle until told otherwise. Let’s move on.

I called my friend the intelligence guru later, to find out if he had further news. I suggested to him that the 19 passengers might have been tourists. He told me that the SSS does not encourage tourism. That is why they arrested an Iranian tourist taking pictures of Nigerian landmarks in Abuja. I was confounded. I asked him which particular national beacon were the authorities jumpy about. I felt him lowering his voice. He whispered that it is the grave of the Unknown Soldier in Eagle Square, Abuja. That, the authorities are perturbed because the unknown soldiers buried there, are actually Biafran soldiers. That, after the war, military graves were mixed up, and dead Eboe Biafran soldiers were mistakenly accorded full military honors and reburied in Abuja. This has led to so many unexplained happenings in the polity, like ghost military pensioners. Spooky.

I must confess that as a green blooded patriot, I do not have anything against the devil and her worshippers, and I am very much in awe of the wonders they could wrought. It was their prowess that led to the dismantling of apartheid, and recently their powers were deployed in the dismantling of toll booths in the country as our federal government did not spend a kobo to achieve this feat. The devil it is that desires a nuclear free world knowing, that the world is filled with crazy and avaricious people. Thank God, our government has agreed to buy missile technology from the North Koreans, howbeit on credit. The problem we envisage is, knowing how to read the instruction manual. Who knows whether this technology could be married to our indigenous witchcraft? Imagine what could happen when the witches lay their hands on this new knowledge, all these armed assassinations will cease and the NAFDAC boss and Eboe governors would stop wasting money on bullet proof cars. We are talking big savings to our national purse. With all the scientific know how in Nnewi, could you imagine Ngige going to Abuja to purchase a bullet proof car? No wonder, the car couldn’t make its way to Awka. It’s the work of the devil.

There is too much satanophany and idol worshipping going on in Nigeria right now and it takes many forms. The most recent one is the way the devil has confused the Nigerian government to enact a population policy. Here is a country in which the average life span is 50 years. There is an outbreak of AIDS ravaging the country. The country cannot procure drugs to treat this ailment, and yet this same country which would lose 50% of its population in 10 – 20 years, still goes ahead to enact a law to curb population growth. The devil is deceiving someone, and I thank God our president general – the cock that leaves no hen untouched, is not fooled by this handiwork of the devil. The gap toothed evil one had decreed four children per family, but our present man of the moment, being known for having had dinner with the devil obviously is not taking all these craze seriously, which is why he does not know the number of children he has, apart from Iyabo and Uba. I have been inundated by calls from these devil worshippers to take a stand on the polio vaccination imbroglio in Nigeria. I state categorically that I stand behind the position of the JNI. The polio vaccine sent to Nigeria was contaminated and had the potential of causing sterility. It was an attempt to reduce the population of the country, so that Nigeria would then use the surplus money to pay back debts. Failing which, the new petroleum tax would be imposed. (Therefore, blame the Muslem north for this tax) How do I know? Tell me how a western trained doctor like Awosika, would invoke the name of God in a matter which is purely scientific, instead of resorting to testing to prove her claim. The devil has to be watched.

Talk of the devil. Sometime ago, during the recent parliamentarian meeting held at a hotel in the capital of Bangladesh, two Nigerian House members, were found sharing a hotel room, the hosts complained and an argument ensued. The Nigerian parliamentarians were advised to rent separate rooms as the Bangladesh constitution did not recognize Anglicanism. The parliamentarians were offended and shot back that they were not Anglicans, and what do these Bangladeshis think they are, with their poor country and skinny people. Unfortunately, an Indian parliamentarian was passing by and when he overheard this, he thought the Nigerians were referring to him. He told the Nigerians off, and reminded them that his country was an advanced country. That a child had been born in India without arms, and Indian doctors grafted an artificial hand on him, and the child is now a productive member of the society. This amused the Nigerian parliamentarians who then proceeded to abuse the Indians for their lack of economic savvy in not seeing the economic potential for the child, to earn money through street begging. The Indian walked away mumbling and stepped on an Australian parliamentarian, who turned around and saw only the receding gown of the Indian. Thinking he was a Nigerian because of his kaftan and not receiving an apology., then set on the Nigerians who were still trying to work out a deal with the bellhop, and told them - in his country a child was born without a leg and their doctors fashioned an artificial leg for him, the man is now in their Olympic swimming team. The Nigerian hearing this became livid and retorted; that in Owu, a village in Nigeria, a child was born without a head, a babalawo cut off a fresh coconut and with a few incantations attached it to the child’s neck. The child later grew up to become the president. Obviously, this explains the otiose label foisted on him, but who has ever seen a coconut with ears? Why do you think our president general has this habit of believing all he hears and is very used to making off hand remarks? Soak up crushed coconut pulp and what do you get? A fermented egotism, coupled with the attempt to create a myth by evil minded people, to explain his attraction to things mundane.

On behalf of the present righteous government, I want to warn all dissidents, disgruntled elements and subversives, that contrary to expectation our government is doing quite well beyond the intellectual capability of our president general. A few examples would suffice. Tuition is free in all federal government universities but bed spaces are pegged at ten thousand naira each. Definitely, with ten bed spaces pay a six by six room, the cult industry would thrive, as our children are having closer interactions with each other. Have you ever heard of tribalism rearing her ugly head amongst cult members? Give the devil his due. About the judiciary, that has become the latest whipping boy of the chattering class. Vast improvements are going on, the latest being the mandatory order by the Attorney General of Cross River State, compelling all single female magistrates in the state to get married within two years. We hope all other states would follow soon. Come to think of it, this noble notion should be tabled before the National Assembly and passed into law. Contrary to all these subversive noises coming from the north, our agricultural output actually grew by 71/2% last year. All those prophets of doom who were crying agriculture, now knows what the powers of the devil could do. As a demonstration, the devil himself sent rain in January 2004. Apart from that quasi Muslim state called Lagos, all citizens of other states are busy planting.

All these successes have obviously given our president general a big head along with his fat stomach. Which makes him frequently hungry and angry. Picture those children in the village who refuse to walk after twelve months. We have a situation in our country where our president general knows that those who can cook wont, and those who cannot will, and he cannot maintain order without using a clenched fist, but does the devil wear gloves?

It is not the end of hope as we know it, much as these Satanists would have us believe and oftentimes coconuts do fall from the skies.

Feb 2004