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Who does not know about Nigeria? The giant of Africa, the tail that wags the dog of the continent. The country of abundant energy resources but perpetual blackouts. The country that nationalized British Petroleum and brought Margaret Thatcher to her knees., the worst she could do was threaten Adefopes’ hat. The country that told off Gerald Ford and kept Angola ticking, albeit, with Cuba’s muscle. Nigeria, the steel producing power that got the USSR to build a rickety plant for her then sold back the debt to Russia for nothing. A country whose economy can withstand the loss of $20 billion dollars without creaking. We have the best brains on earth. Who has not heard of Dike, Imam or Awojobi? Cholera vaccine? Njoku Obi, stand up and be counted. AIDS vaccine? Who wants to go to Hague to collect a Nobel instead of Stockholm. My country of a thousand religions and a million con men. Interpol, relax there are over 100 million of us. Census? what census?

Nuclear power? Don’t mess with us! Poor apartheid South Africa, they thought we had the black neutron bomb all pegged and ready to go. Little did they know, that, the set up of the nuclear technology program at the University of Ife, was just a ploy to keep the poor Modakekes humble. You see, we made the Modakekes believe the Ifes had the bomb. At the end of apartheid, the new South African government wanted to embark on a joint atomic program with Nigeria, only to find out that the equipments bought by Nigeria to start the program was still unpacked and being kept outside under the sun. Our secret was exposed. Ife and Modakeke have not known peace since then.

Nnamdi Azikiwe, woke up one day from a bad dream, and donated money to the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, Engineering department to start a satellite technology research program. When last questioned, Prof. Ikoku, then Vice Chancellor told a friend, that, thieves came in the middle of the night and carted away the wires. Thank God for small mercies. A few years later, we started a space program with just one egg head who was given an office at Aso Rock for security reasons. As at the time of writing, the program has been scrapped and the poor fellow sent packing. His office space is now being occupied by the presidents’ spiritual adviser. Telephones, telecommunications? no problem, we launched a Comstat balloon program, first of its kind on earth , never been tried, millions of dollars later, don’t call us we will call you.

Democracy? Surprise, surprise, look, it is not our fault if the senate award contracts while the president runs the country on retroactive military decrees, but who cares? say after me- diarchy, its more cost and time efficient. Who allocated the funds in the first place and who approved payments? Don’t we have a Director of Budget, Minister of Finance and an Auditor General in the Presidency? Who is confusing morality and criminality? Read this, we are a democratic country, we are just being run in ‘particular ways’. Stop worrying about Toronto, Chicago and the Evan twins. Independent judiciary?, obeying the constitution?, what, still thinking of your 13% derivation?, forget about it! Land Use, Petroleum Act, Inland Waterway decrees, Shari’ah, Canon Laws, Vigilante justice?, what more can you ask for? NDDC bill, sure, keep hoping. It will come on stream in 2003. Restive Niger Delta? didn’t Boro die mysteriously? Saro Wiwa? keep grumbling, you don’t even smoke a pipe and you will not qualify for a video shoot. Haven’t you heard, our president is ‘a non Yoruba’ southerner from Abeokuta , and we thought northerners were our problem!

Political instability? relax, you have got to watch, Nigerians. Ain’t nobody going nowhere as long as the oil is flowing. It is just a move to procure debt relief. The idea is to get the debtor nations to panic and sell the debt back to us, at a discount. After all, if Nigeria breaks up, who is going to pay the debt? Religious intolerance? .....who told you? Didn’t you hear of the amount our senate president, a Christian, spent celebrating a Muslem festival? Internal security; the police affairs minister cannot spend the night in a Nigerian town? Ignore it., it is marginalization politics, Nigerian style. After the civil war, someone forgot to convince the Ibos, that, they had been rescued instead of defeated, so the government does not want to recruit and promote indigenes of this area into the security forces. They could join the Bakassi Boys if they want law and order. Attack on presidential convoy? I told you its ‘demo crazy’ didn’t I? The man de kampe!

United States of Africa? Alhaji [Colonel] Ghadafi go back and find out what Tafawa Balewa told Nkrumah. Nigeria is not a police post which you could bluff with a shell less tank. We will move when we are ready. Cameroon? we gave them land, we took it back, who is complaining? If Equatorial Guinea kills another set of Nigerians we will annex that island and use it as a prison for political detainees nay indoctrination camp for people like Wada Nas and his new friend Gani.

Did I hear you mention military might and capability? Charles Taylor? please, don’t make me laugh. We went in to prop up Doe and stop Taylor. Ten years later, $5 billion dollars expenditure and countless dead. Stop, don’t even try to find out the number of soldiers killed in action. Its only business, nothing personal. [Don’t forget we have lost 400 officers in one day during peace time and heavens did not fall.] Taylor, still ‘cocking a snook at us’, and now in Sierra Leone? Charley, beware, when our president visits you to open your house, the end is near. We are the mai gidan of West Africa, the backbone of ECOMOG!. Internal insurgents?, did you see Odi?. Classic text book military maneuver even the British couldn’t top that. Kill and dispose off the victims, no bodies, no count. Case closed.

Intelligence gathering? Don’t you know that we worsted the Israeli military machine. Remember the Nigeria army colonel, that was arrested by the Israelis for smuggling arms? Poor Israelis, they got more than they bargained for? What where they thinking? Where they expecting Nigeria to declare war on them or break off relations? Didn’t they know the colonel was a mole planted by Nigeria’s security service to drain the Israeli economy? You see because of this Nigerian, the Israelis had to spend a fortune airlifting Ethiopian Jews into Israel in order to show the world that they don’t hate Black people, plus, the additional cost of keeping the colonel under house arrest with concubines and specially flown in Gulder beer from Nigeria. Arrest a Nigerian colonel on duty for the United Nations? You have got to be joking. Didn’t their MOSSAD fall for the Umaru Dikko grab? Payback! we knew all along it was not feasible. Ever heard of a Fulbe kidnapping a Fulbe?

Look, we have the Romanians refurbishing our air force’s MIG 17, and if you touch us, Turkey will attack you! United Nation Security Council seat? sure, its ours for the taking. Don’t you know that our Defense Industries Corporation produces furniture! Beware, we are a medium power.

Shhhhhh ………..Think patriotic and disciplined thoughts!

Orok Edem