What if tomorrow never comes? I am not taking it anymore. Why in the name of the Almighty would a Hausa man do something like this? Turn two Yoruba school children into dogs? Please don’t get me wrong. I am not quarrelling with the fact that these Yoruba children were turned into animals. But, why dogs? Of all the animals in the animal kingdom, why dogs? I think the Hausas are beginning to lose it. Bear with me. If you turn a Yoruba man into a dog, it means he will not let you sleep through incessant barking. You know how the Yoruba’s are. Then, if you put the dog to guard your house, he would start wagging his tail when the OPC come calling! Could you really doubt a Yoruba man’s loyalty to his race? Most importantly, you have to feed this dog so factor in the cost of maintenance, and if he ever gets mad at you, he is very liable to bite you. I am not doubting this news story? [Vanguard, 17 October 2000] but could someone produce the parent of these two school children before I lose my mind?

Have you seen what Baba Ijebu has gone and done by introducing the ‘counting of sheep and goats’ into our political lexicon? Two school children are now dogs and Lagos is burning. If I were the President, I would have Adesanya arrested as a threat to national security. Why? Fellow countrymen, if this technology is available to the Hausas, have we considered the implications of applying the reverse? What if all those who line up to receive their national identity cards are sheep, goats and cattle turned temporarily into men just for the purpose of the elections? No wonder elections in Nigeria cost so much money! The Hausas would just harness this technology, go to the field and offer these animals raw cash to eat instead of grass. Brand new two hundred naira notes into any available mouth. Mark my words. The Presidency is moving north at the next election unless there is a change of currency at the eve of the election!

Puzzling questions. What agbo does Adesanya possess that makes him invulnerable to all attempts to kill him? Abacha tried and failed, now the Hausas of Apapa got ruffled when Adesanya was passing through. Please, I am not doubting this news story either, so there is no need for anyone to advise their lawyers. I wont even talk about it anymore, because that would be contempt of court. Which brings me to the President’s latest outpouring on how YarAdua was killed on the eve of the court hearings. Why is the sitting judge of Abakaliki who could have heard this case suddenly running to Abuja to visit or being dismissed from service? Just asking. This we know, when the President of a third world country in front of the whole world makes a weighty statement about a pending case in which he would have little or more than passing interest, I think that action is called contempt and would not pass the smell test. But who cares, in Nigeria, the wind can become solid!

‘Excellent majors, incompetent colonels and abysmal generals’! I read that in a book. Why would I describe my leaders and elders like this? Because they are toying with the destiny of my country. Yeah, I know I am not the only one, but how many of you come from the Backassey Peninsula? Right now, my being a citizen of Nigeria is in question, then someone is toying with the word Nigeria. ‘He who dares wins’ my foot. How many of us have heard of Stirling and Stirling? Haba, ranka shi dede. How could you let this happen to you? Another news story. IBB was invited to Aso Rock on the eve of the independence anniversary. The President accused him of disloyalty, [this is military speak] IBB tried to wriggle out of it, then Obasanjo went for the clincher and produced a videotape of an IBB planning session. Bingo!. IBB storms out of the meeting visibly upset. Now, wait for the masterstroke, The next day, Jerry Gana suddenly releases information to the press that the government is NOT probing IBB! Quintessential piece of reverse blackmail. Boy, what would they think of next? This Obasanjo man, there is something about him. An acquaintance of mine went to the New York ceremony held in his honor and came back with a poor impression of him. ‘Oh he looks old, sluggish and what have you’. I started shaking my head and he asked me what was wrong, I told him that if he had a contest against Obasanjo, he would have lost because he has already underrated Obasanjo! He kept quiet. What could be sinister in a simple football game? The Presidency versus The Legislature. Nothing? Lets try again. What was the number of Obasanjo’s jersey? Number 10. Who wears number 10? Maradona. Who is the Maradona of Nigerian politics? Or, who was? Good. Who bought the ball they were playing with? What position was the former number 10 given? Left outside! An apt lesson in political symbolism. "He who wins dares". I just made that up.

What did Obasanjo promise the north? Most of you reading this would not believe me. I got this from reliable sources [ read connection] in the Caliphate. The secret agreement reached was for Iyabo, Obasanjo’s daughter to marry a Sokoto prince and move into a purdah within the Caliphate to cement the relationship between the two dominant nationalities in Nigeria. In return, Obasanjo would be made President. This has always been the traditional Fulani strategy of consolidating power because your in law would not act to your detriment. The Shari’ah shot up, Iyabo’s mother yelled oti..o! and Obasanjo backed down. The rest is history. Now, the whole country is no longer at peace because he has consumed the bride price and still holds on to his daughter! If it were my Itsekiri cousin, he would have been talking tough. Can you imagine this Egba man psyching the quixotic Nzeribe on my sister, the Backassey senator. Mr. President, be advised. The World Court is going to order a plebiscite for indigenes of this area and without that senator pulling for Nigeria, all that oil license you are hoarding would come to naught.

Oil license, oil license, oil license. What would I not do, to get my hands on one. Oh God, what did I ever do to you, that would make you deny me an oil license? All these cries of marginalization on the eve of the announcement of oil block licenses. It is the oil licenses stupid. Hausa men attacking Eboes at Alaba market. Yorubas killing the Bororos at Shaki. The Fulanis invading Oyo State, Agodi government secretariat. Oil Licenses. Oil license. That is it. Getting a signature from the Presidency to avoid the payment of import dues is child’s play or little league, anybody could pull that off. It is cheaper to bribe the Customs anyway. But the oil license? now, that is the ultimate. It means you belong to the inner caucus of State. You are a super Nigerian. Even members of the House of Representatives don’t cut it. The last time I applied, my application was returned with a do not re apply stamp on it and a note from the security service……… Oh! my kingdom for an oil license. I know, tell me about it, where is my kingdom?

Wind becoming solid? Did you hear of our debt files suddenly developing wings at the Central Bank. I say, no deal, we are not buying that. Don’t even try to tell us that the Ministry of Finance had no copy. The debt files are intact. If you like, set fire to the Central Bank, kill a couple of staffs. This we believe. When you owe the white man, he sends you bills at the end of every month and he keeps records, so try another one. Gani waiting for his mothers permission before contesting the Presidency? Obasanjo going for a second term? The Oba of Ilorin? Five Olympic gold medals? Hausas turning Yorubas into dogs to get them licensed since they are insisting on the national identity card. No financial aid to Ijaw land until there is peace in the region? It never ends. One moment we hear of 250 American marines in Nigeria to train our troops, the next, we hear they are gone, now they are back again. Military bases in Maiduguri? Army division at Benin, now moved to Lagos then co joined with Ibadan? Why do I constantly have this feeling that someone is urinating on my head, and Jerry Gana is trying to tell me that it is rain?

I repeat, I am not taking it anymore, I am going to call the bluff of the Arewa Consultative Forum and this new technology. The north did not make Obasanjo President, and, this specie changing technology is bunkum. I throw open this challenge to anybody with promises and guarantees. That, the north should pick me a lowly taxi driver based in Brooklyn and make me President, if such powers exist. Anything, the north wants, I would do and more., but just in case I am wrong, I am making an appointment [Yes, in New York, you want to visit a native doctor, you have to use the phone to make an appointment] to see this voodoo man, King Hougan, Haiti born Obeah man, ex spiritual adviser to Papa Doc. I know he would understand if I tell him that in Nigeria, the wind could become solid and tomorrow might never come. Yes, just in case.

Orok Edem

Your future president

10/18/00